The Eldritch Gamer
by Jackie Avocado
Summary: What happens when I, someone with too much time on my hands, get the powers of a Lovecraftian induced version of The Gamer?...We're all screwed. (Self Insert!)
1. In The Beginning We're All Screwed

**Chapter 1: In The Beginning...We're All Screwed.**

 _It was a dark and stormy night_ …said everyone _ever_. But it _was_ night, it _was_ storming outside, and _I_ was playing Bloodborne. I was fighting the Orphan of Kos. I was finally about to put this frustrating son of a bitch to rest, but as life would have it, the power went out.

"FFFFUUUUUCK!"

I was without a doubt _pissed_. However, while I was pissed off as fuck, I couldn't help but wonder why my scream of rage didn't wake anyone up. I sighed. At this point, screw it, I just wanted to sleep. I decided to try again tomorrow if the power came back on. After all, I can beat Senator Armstrong from Metal Gear Rising: Revengeance on Revengeance mode _and_ get the S rank. I _can_ do this.

I pulled the covers over myself and closed my eyes.

 _It's going to be one of those days…I just know it._

I snapped my eyes open to find myself _not_ in my room waking up in bed, but sitting in a very comfortable chair; in front of a very large table draped in blue velvet cloth. This was the Velvet Room from Persona 3.

"It seems our guest of honor has arrived safe and sound." said a _very_ familiar voice next to me.

I turned my head to the right to find myself face to face with the No-Life King himself, Alucard. I was, without a doubt, speechless.

"So, this is the kid the big man told us about. Eh, I expected better."

I turned my head to the left to see Dante Sparda from Devil May Cry. Specifically Devil May Cry 4.

"Ah, cut the kid a break, Dante. He could surprise us."

My head was drawn to the source of the voice. It was Eddie Riggs from Brütal Legend.

"Of course he will. _I_ picked him after all."

At this point I wasn't surprised anymore. It was Zelretch from the Type-Moon universe.

"You mean _we_ picked him, _right_ Zelretch?"

The source of this voice was Nyaruko from, Nyaruko: Crawling with Love. She's Nyarlathotep from the H.P. Lovecraft books...I'm screwed.

"I'm with Dante on this one. The kid doesn't look like much." This person was Ragna the Bloodedge from Blazblue.

"Hey, most of us here weren't much in the beginning, Ragna." _This_ person was Lenka Utsugi from the God Eater anime.

"Kid's got a point." _More_ people. Jesus. And this person is Geralt from The Witcher series.

"Now, now, everyone. Don't overwhelm our guest." I looked directly right in front of me. There, right across the table, was a man in a black suit with a red tie. He was absurdly tall and had black shadowy tendrils flowing from his back. I looked at his face, only to discover that there was no face.

I slammed my hands onto the table and pointed towards the man.

"For the love of God, I do not have your twenty dollars!" I shouted to what could only be the Slenderman.

There were a few seconds of silence. Then all of a sudden, _everyone,_ including me, started laughing their asses off.

"Okay, I take it back. This guy is awesome!" said Dante, with Ragna who was agreeing with him.

"Alright, alright, can someone here explain why I'm here?" I asked, confused as all Hell.

"I can explain that, young man," said what I _think_ is the Slenderman, "I have brought you here to receive a power."

"A power?" I asked with my eyebrow raised.

"Yes, child, this is the power that can make you a _god_ -"

"Don't want it." I interrupted. Everyone in the room was shocked.

"Wait, what!?" Dante almost yelled.

"Yeah, I _don't_ want to become a god. After all, I'm _seventeen._ What the fuck am I going to do with the powers of a god!?" I cracked my neck, feeling that it was a bit stiff. "I'm kind of content with my life as it is at the moment."

There was a heavy silence in the room. I honestly didn't care about the power, it's not like I had any use for it. Suddenly the Slenderman started clapping, which was made very ominous by how it echoed throughout the now silent room. He started laughing, I raised an eyebrow; everyone else on the table started chuckling as well.

This was unnerving, to say the least. Slenderman's face started to separate where his mouth would be. He had a mouth now, in the form of what I could only describe as a demonic Jack o' Lantern's mouth. His voice started to get more demonic as the laughter continued. However, I wasn't fazed by this. I wasn't usually fazed by anything these days.

"At long last, we finally found someone worthy!" he yelled in excitement.

"Worthy of what, might I ask?" I inquired.

"Of the power, my Child," he said, his voice still demonic; in all honesty it sounded awesome!

"I thought I said I didn't want the power."

"I said power that _could_ make you a god, not power that _would_ make you a god."

"Oh, God. I think I know where _this_ is going."

The smile on his face got wider when I said that.

"Yes, child. You know what this power is. What say you? Will you claim it?"

A black holographic screen with blood-red letter appeared in front of me.

 **You have been offered the power of The Eldritch Gamer by Cthulhu. Do you accept?**

 **[Yes]**

 **[No]**

My eyes widened when I realized who it was being offered by, I looked back to the man. _He's_ Cthulhu? Well, it makes sense as to why Nyarlathotep is here.

"What's the catch?" I said with a smirk.

"I assure you, Child, there is no catch." If his grin had gotten any wider it might have split his face in two.

"Cthulhu, there's always a catch." I said as I pressed **[Yes]**.

 **Congratulations! You are now the proud owner of The Gamer: Eldritch Edition.**

 **To receive this system's version of [Gamer's Body] and [Gamer's Mind], please press [Yes]. For default settings, press [No].**

I pressed **[Yes]** and was engulfed in black and red flames. I nearly panicked, but quickly calmed myself when I felt nothing except a slight tingle throughout my body. Once the fire died down, I noticed that my hair was covering my eyes, which was strange, because I got a haircut a few weeks ago. Cthulhu handed me a mirror, I looked at my reflection in the mirror. To say I was shocked was an understatement.

I looked exactly like my OC Jack Gehrman, except I didn't have his scars. Which was good, because I didn't want to have to explain how I got those scars to anyone. After all, I don't have a tragic backstory. I didn't earn those scars for surviving basically Hell on Earth. I put a hand to my new face, and found that it was smooth and looked more defined than my first face.

I had shoulder length black hair, as well as blood-red eyes. Hell, I was even wearing the same black and red hoodie-jeans combo that my character had. I grinned like a madman. How could I not? This was amazing; I now _was_ one of my favorite creations!

"I take it you like your new body?" asked Cthulhu.

"Oh, _Hell_ yes!" I exclaimed, still grinning.

"Glad you like it. It took me a while to make that body right."

"Wait. How _did_ you make this body?"

"Took some of mine and Alucard's bodies, basically put them in a blender, stirred it for twenty minutes, and this was the result."

"Really?" I said with a deadpan expression.

"Of course not. I had to put it in the human sized cloning pod and warm it up for about _2 hours_. It was so much work."

Most. Lazy. Eldritch. God. _EVER!_

"Okay, but why does this body look like my OC?" I asked.

"You have a problem with it?" Cthulhu's voice grew dangerous.

"No-"

"Then don't question it!"

"He thought that you'd like what would basically be your dream body," said Nyarlathotep, who was suddenly behind me.

I turned around and noticed that she had her name, title, and level above her head.

 **The Crawling Chaos**

 **LV ? Nyarlathotep**

Well I don't know what I was expecting, she _is_ a god after all. I looked at Cthulhu.

 **The Old One**

 **LV ? Cthulhu**

I looked at Alucard.

 **No-Life King**

 **LV ? Alucard**

I looked at Geralt.

 **Witcher**

 **LV 33 Geralt**

I looked at Ragna.

 **The Bloodedge**

 **LV ? Ragna**

I looked at Dante.

 **The Son of Sparda**

 **LV ? Dante Sparda**

I looked at Lenka.

 **Fenrir Branch God Eater**

 **LV 24 Lenka Utsugi**

I looked at Eddie.

 **Heavy Metal Master**

 **LV 39 Eddie Riggs**

"Okay. I've learned one important thing today. _Everyone_ here is out of my league." I said with a chuckle. "So what now?"

"Check your status, Child," recommended Cthulhu.

I thought _status_ and another black screen with red writing popped up.

 **Name:** Jack Gehrman

 **Occupation:** The Eldritch Gamer

 **LV:** 5

 **EXP:** 0%

 **HP:** 175/175

 **MP:** 100/100

 **Strength:** 23

 **Vitality:** 12

 **Dexterity:** 14

 **Intelligence:** 7

 **Wisdom:** 8

 **Luck:** 9

 **Point(s):** 5

 **Cash:** $20

 **Skills:**

 **[Eldritch Body] (Passive)** LV MAX. Sleeping in a bed will regenerate all HP & MP. Regeneration to body proportional to current HP level. However all pain persists and does not go away until healed.

 **[Eldritch Mind] (Passive)** LV MAX. Allows the user to calmly think at all times. Allows for greater mental composure. Immunity to mind-altering effects.

 **[Guitar-Playing]** **(Passive)** LV 2, EXP [23.7%] This is your ability to play the guitar. As the skill EXP increases, you will be able to better head through the fire and the flames. Plucking speed and accuracy increases by 10%.

 **[Piano-Playing] (Passive)** LV 2, EXP [12.3%] This is your ability to play the piano. As the skill EXP increases, you will soon be able to Liszt your numerous accomplishments. Playing speed and accuracy increases by 10%.

 **[Drawing] (Passive)** LV 5, EXP [35.2%] This is your ability to create drawings. As the skill EXP increases, you will be able to make Leonardo da Vinci weep in shame. Drawing speed and accuracy increases by 20%.

 **[Cooking] (Passive)** LV 1, EXP [2%] This is your ability to craft foodstuffs. As the skill EXP increases, you will be able to make Gordon Ramsay weep tears of joy. Cooking speed and skill increases by 1%.

 **Items**

 **[Necronomicon]** An indestructible and fairly heavy tome of wizardry and doom! It's a good read, and the spells contained within are extremely potent. However, unfortunately, you are not, so the best you can do as of yet is use it as a bludgeoning instrument.

 **[Electric Guitar]** This guitar was forged by ESP, then re-forged in the fires of Mount Doom by Eddie Riggs of Brütal Legend. Makes a great sound when played. It's indestructible, and as such, doubles as a bludgeoning _instrument_.

 **[Guitar Pick]** A plastic guitar pick manufactured by d'Addario. This is your favorite guitar pick in the world. Augments the **[Guitar-Playing]** skill.

Well, damn.

My stats aren't half bad. I looked at **[Eldritch Body].**

 _Oh boy. This can only end_ so _well for me._

I then looked at **[Eldritch Mind].**

 _Oh, goody._ _This can only end_ so _well for everyone else._

My skills were pretty much as expected. My stats were higher than I expected, in all honesty. I looked at my items.

 **[Necronomicon]**...

 _I'm so going to beat someone to death with this thing…_

I was very much surprised to see I had an electric guitar along with my pick.

 _Beating someone to death with the guitar as well…_

 _Inventory,_ I thought. Another screen popped up with all my items shown on it, I put my hand in it and pulled out the guitar. The space around my hand started to ripple like water as I pulled it out. And my God, if this wasn't one of _the_ most badass guitars I'd ever seen. I turned my head to Eddie and grinned.

"Dude, thank you! This guitar is amazing!" I exclaimed.

"Damn right it is. Took me a while to get it _just_ right." said Eddie. We fist bumped across the table.

I put the guitar back in my inventory and brought out the Necronomicon. The item description was right, it _was_ a heavy book. It was a black leather book with gold letters on it that spelled out Necronomicon. I looked at Cthulhu with a raised brow.

"The original Necronomicon was destroyed, so Nyarlathotep and I made a more accurate new version of it," the God explained. I shrugged.

"Speaking of Nyarlathotep," I looked turned around to see her still standing behind me "I have to ask." She raised an eyebrow, "Why are you the anime version of yourself?"

I noticed that everyone in the room was trying to contain their laughter...and failing.

She blushed slightly and deadpanned at me.

"Why do you even _know_ about my anime version?" she asked.

"Why do you _have_ an anime version?" was my reply. She sighed.

"Japan..." she said plainly.

"Nuff said, nuff said."

I took the Necronomicon in my hands, leaned back into my seat crossed my legs one over the other and opened the dark tome. I was reading it contents...well, _trying_ to read it's contents. I could read _some_ of it, but not all. Guess it had to do something with my **Intelligence** stat not being very high.

As I continued to go through the book, Zelretch got out of his seat and walked towards me.

"Young man, do you know why we choose you?" asked Zelretch.

"Hm, good question. Why _was_ I picked in the first place?" I inquired.

"Well it wasn't so much _we_ as it was Nyarlathotep over there," Zelretch pointed to the Crawling Chaos.

Oh, maligned God, this is going exactly where I think it's going.

"You see, we all chose one person to receive the power of The Eldritch Gamer, but as it turns out _all_ of them were power-hungry and wanted to become gods," he said, pacing back and forth. "But the reason why _you_ were the last person to be seen is because _who_ picked you and _why_ you were picked."

He stopped pacing and stood to the right of me. "It was Nyarlathotep that picked you."

"So _why_ did she pick me?" I asked, about to call it. Zelretch had a shit-eating grin on his face. _Everyone in the room_ besides Nyarlathotep and I were trying to contain their laughter. Nyarlathotep was blushing and wouldn't look me in the eyes.

Zelretch took a deep breath.

"SHE HAS A CRUSH ON YOU!" he shouted at the top of his lungs. The _whole_ room busted out in laughter while Nyarlathotep was atomic red.

I. Fucking. Called. It.

It took a while for everyone to calm down.

"The reason why is because first of all she _really_ likes your personality and _really_ likes the design of your OC Jack Gehrman." Alucard decided to explain while Nyarlathotep was trying to make herself seem as small as possible. She was trying to sneak away until I gently grabbed her by the arm and pulled her into my lap, and to this everyone had another laughing fit.

"We all picked powerful warriors from other worlds, while _you_ were the only person that came from a world with _no_ supernatural power at all."

He paused for a second. "But what my question is...why haven't you asked who we are yet?"

"Ah, the fourth wall...ye were so young," said Cthulhu, nodding sagely. Everyone besides myself and Nyarlathotep was confused as to what Cthulhu meant.

"Wait, none of you know?" I asked, surprised. They all nodded. I sighed "They know about multiverse theory but never figured it out." I said to myself out loud, further confusing them. "I'll just say it bluntly. You all are anime/video game/book characters in my world."

The room was dead quiet when I said that. Cthulhu had his mouth closed but was still smiling. Nyarlathotep was leaning her back against my chest not even paying attention to what was going on. And with a smile on her face!

"Kid, let me get this straight. We're fictional characters in your world?" asked Ragna.

"Yes, Ragna, you're from a tournament fighter game series called Blazblue, with _you_ as the main protagonist. Your brother is Jin and your sister is Saya _and_ your foster mother is Celica A. Mercury." Ragna was wide eyed and shocked, but I wasn't done yet. "You wield the Azure Grimoire, along with the Death Scythe. And finally, the person you hate the most - understandably - is Yuki Terumi."

I pointed to Alucard.

"You're Alucard from the manga Hellsing that got two anime adaptations. Your real name is Dracula and you are the servant of Sir Integra Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing. Your servant is Seras Victoria. And now, after the Major's failed attempt at killing you, you now are in fact unkillable due to the fact that you have omnipresence after absorbing Schrödinger."

"Okay, the kid's legit." said Zelretch.

"Of course I am, but I'm just surprised you didn't pick pick Shirou Emiya." I said, Zelretch hung his head down.

"I did, actually," he said in a defeated tone.

"Let me guess: wanted to use the power as a way to help people, but would have just gone all counter guardian on everyone's ass." I guessed. He nodded weakly, I slow clapped.

I pointed to Dante.

"You're Dante Sparda from the video game series Devil May Cry, which got an anime which showed the incident with Sid. You're son of the Dark Knight Sparda, who wields the sword of the same name. You are the twin brother of Virgil. And I _still_ have no goddamned idea if Nero is his son or not." I paused, looked at his currently unreadable expression and grinned. "Now who wants pepperoni pizza with no olives and strawberry ice cream sundaes?"

"My man!" Dante yelled as we high fived.

"Long story short, I know all of your backstories, your abilities, and personalities." I leaned back into my chair. "So, Cthulhu, _why_ did you give me the powers of The Gamer?"

"Well…one might say I was the chairman of the bored. Because I was bored," he responded.

"Understandable." I said, with a deadpan expression. "So, what _do_ you want me to do with this power now, anyway?"

He grinned ear to ear before answering.

"Why don't you become a God's blessing on this wonderful world?" he said, oh so maliciously.

It took me a few seconds to realize what he was suggesting.

"You motherfu-"

He raised his hand.

"Bye."

Everything went black.

 **Chapter 1 End**


	2. with a BANG

**Chapter 2: ...with a BANG.**

 **(Meanwhile, in a desert literally in the middle of buttfuck nowhere)**

 _Pop!_

"-cker!"

I looked around to find myself in a desert.

"Damnit Slenderthulhu, you really had me going there!" I said to myself. "Now, where am I?"

I heard the same whistling noise you hear when something falls in a cartoon. I looked up...to see a black dot in the sky heading rather speedily towards my position. I strained my eyes to get a better look at it, but couldn't quite make it out yet.

Just then, a black text box with red letters appeared in front of me.

 **A new skill has been acquired: [Observation].**

 _Observation?_ I thought. _Status!_

The status screen appeared in front of me. I saw the tab for "skills." I opened that tab, and read the description for Observation.

 **[Observation] (Active)** LV 1, EXP [0%] Through continuous observation, this is your skill to observe objects and generate a description for them. As the skill EXP increases, descriptions will become more detailed.

 _Observation? Just like in the manhwa! Let's test it on that object…_

I looked up into the sky and thought _Observation._

I had many thoughts running through my head at this point.

Was it a bird?

Was it a plane?

Was it Superman?

 **[Nuke. Recommendation: Write your will in the hopes that it survives the oncoming hellstorm of nuclear wrath.]**

"Well...fuck..."

I was _so_ going to kick Slenderthulhu in the dick if I ever made it out alive.

"Well, at least in the end I'll go out..."

 **Gift sent by Cthulhu: [Sunglasses].**

I whipped on the sunglasses.

"...with a _BANG._ **YEAAAAAAAAAAAAA-** "

 _BOOM!_

And then everything went black…again.

I was sitting in a chair...again. Suddenly, a message screen appeared.

 **A new skill has been acquired: [Terrible Puns].**

 **[Terrible Puns] (Passive)** LV 2, EXP [0%] This is your ability to make terrible puns. As the skill EXP increases, you will be able to make people groan extremely loud, but grudgingly admit your prowess at terrible puns. Horrific nature of your puns increases by 5%.

 _Going to power level the shit out of this._ I made a mental note to myself.

I looked ahead of me to see a white throne with a small nightstand next to it. On this nightstand was a book. The floor was like a chess board. I leaned back into my seat and crossed my legs while I had my hands in the pockets of my hoodie. I heard footsteps behind me.

"Jack Gehrman." said a feminine voice behind me. "Welcome to the afterlife."

The owner of the voice now came into my line of sight.

She had blue hair and eyes. Her hair was long straight hair in a high ponytail. She was wearing what consisted of a vest, detached sleeves, thigh-high boots, a miniskirt and a transparent underskirt.

Ladies and Gentlemen this...was Aqua from KonoSuba.

This is going to be a _fucking_ trial.

"Your life was a short one." she said as she sat down.

 _No shit._

"But you are, in fact, dead."

 _Again: No shit._

"So...did you like the fireworks?" I asked her.

She started laughing, and I along with her.

"Seriously, what kind of person goes straight into a nuclear weapons testing site!" she yelled in hysterical laughter.

I groaned and facepalmed.

"The kind of person who got teleported by the origin of all tentacle hentai."

 **Message from Cthulhu** : _I resent that!_

"Wait, what do you mean?" she asked.

"Don't worry about it." I suggested.

"Well, anyway. My name is Aqua, I'm a goddess who guides humans who die young into the afterlife."

 _Wait, am I even human anymore?_

 **Message from Cthulhu:** _Well, no, but_ _what she doesn't know won't kill her._

 _Good enough for me._

Aqua got up from her throne and walked until she was a few feet in front of me.

"You have two choices. You can start from square one with a new life, or you can go to heaven and carry on like an old man." She bent over so her face was directly in front of mine. "To tell you the truth, Heaven isn't the dreamy place you all imagine it to be."

I just looked at her blankly. Not really paying attention, 'cause I already know what she's going to say.

"Not only is there no TV, there are no manga or games, either. You don't even have a physical body, so you can't do anything sexual, either."

I deadpanned at her when she said that.

"There's nothing to do there but bask in the sun for all eternity." she brought her face close to mine. I wasn't fazed. "Yeah, you don't want to go to a boring place like Heaven, do you?"

"Like Hell I would," I said.

"On the other hand, starting over from square one isn't so fun, either," She brought her face even closer to mine, our noses almost touching. Still not fazed. "On that note, I've got a great offer for you. You like games, don't you?"

 _My life_ is _a game. On that note. Thanks for that Cthulhu._

 **Message from Cthulhu:** _You're welcome!_

Aqua then made a dramatic pose.

"That world, which has long enjoyed peace, is being threatened by the Devil King's army! The livelihoods its citizens have worked for are being trampled by monsters." She made another dramatic pose as a heavenly light was cast down on her. "Everyone lives in fear of the Devil King's army's merciless pillage and slaughter!…slaughter!"

 _The fuck…did she try to make an echo effect?_

I continued my deadpan expression.

"Since that's the sort of world it is, everyone refuses to be reborn, so the population is declining."

I nodded.

"So we decided, ' _Why not send people who've died in other worlds there with their bodies and memories intact?'"_

"Okay, so what now?" I asked.

" _I'll_ grant you the right to bring any one thing of your choosing with you. It could be a powerful weapon, or a tremendous talent. You'll be able to redo your life with all your original memories. To top it off, you can bring one thing of your choosing! And the people of the parallel world will earn someone battle-ready to help them. Not a bad deal, don't you think?"

"So, will I be able to speak this world's language?" I asked.

"That won't be an issue." Aqua pulled out a manual and opened it to a certain section. "With the kind support of us gods, we'll overload your brain so you'll be able to learn it instantly." I read the Caution paragraph of the page.

 _Oh God my brain has a chance of exploding...it's Tuesday isn't it?_

 **Message from Ragna:** _DUDE! GTFO! NOW!_

 _Sorry, man! I'm in too deep! It's too late now!_

"As a side effect you might just go "poof" if you're unlucky, though."

 **Message from Lenka:** _I'm with Ragna on this one. Run! Man! Run!_

"So, all that leaves you to do is to choose a powerful ability or piece of equipment."

I looked at her, still with a deadpan expression on my face.

"You don't seem to have a problem with me dying now do you? After all you said I might go and I quote 'poof' like you were reciting the fucking weather," I said.

"I never said that," she said with _the_ most fake innocent expression _ever_. The sparkles didn't help her case at all.

She spun around and said, "Now, choose! I'll grant you one power that is second to none!" she yelled in excitement. while scattering many papers with abilities and equipment on them.

I sighed, got out of my chair and gathered them all up. Once done I sat back in my chair, legs crossed; and looked through the papers.

 _All,_ and I mean _all_ of the things listed on these papers were without a doubt. _Broken. As. Fuck._

And all things I could acquire by just _using The Gamer ability!_ GG, Aqua, _everything_ you just offered is basically _useless to me._

"Hey, hurry it up. No matter what you pick, it's all the same." I looked at her. She was eating a bag of potato chips. "No one's expecting much from some random kid who wanders into nuclear testing zones."

Okay, _that_ pissed me off.

 _Hey, guys?_

 **Message from everyone:** _Yeah?_

 _Want to see what happened in the anime?_

 **Message from everyone:** _...sure._

I pointed at Aqua.

"I pick you." I said with a cruel smile.

 **Message from everyone:** _THE FUCK!?_

A glowing circle appeared underneath me.

"All right, stand there and don't leave the magic circle-what did you just say?"

A golden portal appeared in the sky. A blonde female angel wearing a pink dress came out of it.

"We have heard your request. I shall take over your job from here on out, Aqua." the angel said.

"Huh?" Aqua questioned.

"Jack Gehrman's wish complies with the regulations and has been accepted."

Another glowing circle appeared underneath Aqua. A force field erupted from the circles.

"Hey, what is all this? Wh-What? You've got to be kidding." Aqua said in denial. "No, no, no! Come on, um..." she started panicking and banging against the force field. "This is not right! Taking a goddess with you is against the rules! It must be illegal! This has to be illegal! Wait! Wait!"

 _It's what you get for being a smartass…_

"Please have a safe trip, Aqua. Should you successfully defeat the Devil King, I will send someone to pick you up." said the angel.

 _She's enjoying this a little too much isn't she?_

"I may have the ability to heal since I'm a goddess, but I have no fighting ability to speak of! There's no way I can beat the Devil King!" yelled Aqua.

We both started to levitate.

"Hey, wait!" she yelled in a desperate plea.

I chuckled darkly, and slow clapped.

"Well, well, well. It seems that karma is a bitch _even_ to goddesses." I started to laugh maniacally. "Tell me Aqua how does it feel to be dragged away by - _I quote - 'some random kid who wanders into nuclear testing zones_.' but don't worry I don't really have any use for you. Like you said, you've got _no_ fighting ability. In other words: _You're. Useless._ " I said coldly.

"No, No! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Aqua yelled while I just smiled at her misfortune.

"Brave hero, I pray that of the great many prospective heroes, you will be the one to defeat the Devil King. If you do so, we shall grant any wish you desire as a gift from the gods." the angel exclaimed.

"That's my line!" yelled Aqua in vain.

"Now, go forth on your journey!"

Aqua and I entered a giant portal in the sky to the other world. My eyes were blinded by a bright light. Then, as the light died down, I found myself with Aqua in a medieval-looking town.

 _Huh? Just like the show. We're in The Town of Beginning Adventurers: Axel._

 **Message from Geralt:** _You know this world?_

 _Didn't I just imply it was an anime earlier?_

 **Message from Geralt:** _The Hell is an anime?_

 _Someone put on Dragon Ball Z on for him._

 **Message from Nyarlathotep:** _I got it!_

 _Thank you._

All of a sudden, Aqua grabbed me by my hoodie collar and shook me back and forth wildly while screaming hysterically. The people in the streets were looking at us weirdly.

"Don't worry, people, she's just _really_ cranky she didn't get her coffee in the morning!" I yelled.

The people around gave me a sympathetic looks and understanding nods. I grabbed Aqua by the shoulders to stop her.

"Jesus Christ, woman, calm down." I said.

"Calm down? Calm down?! I _can't_ go back home! How am I supposed to calm down? What am do I do? Huh? What am I going to do? What am I supposed to do from now on!?" she wept. I sighed.

"It's _fine._ We'll just go to a guild, sign up there, do a good amount of quests, and we're pretty much good from that point onward."

 _ **Ding!**_

A black screen appeared in front of me.

 **[You have a Quest]**

 **Find the Adventurer's Guild before nightfall.**

 **Start Time: The moment this window closes.**

 **End Time: When the sun goes down.**

 **Failure: No place to sleep, inability to get a guild membership the next day, and Aqua will constantly start nagging you.**

" _ **No one deserves that fate."**_

 **-Gaia**

 **Reward: Guild membership and directions to an Inn.**

"You're just supposed to be some random kid. Why are you so reliable?" Aqua asked with a shocked look at me.

I ignored her and asked a random person on the street where the guild was. After I got the information I was looking for Aqua and I were on our way to the guild. I rechecked that quest to see if I missed anything, my eyes stopped when I saw the name Gaia.

 _Wait a minute! Gaia!? The same Goddess that gave Jee-Han the same ability in the manhwa!?_

 **Message from Gaia:** _Yes, yes I am._

 _Cool. So are you the reason I have The Gamer power?_

 **Message from Gaia:** _Yeah, Cthulhu was on his knees begging me to give him a copy of it. He may have changed a few things in this "Eldritch Edition" but I still manage the system._

 **Message from Cthulhu:** _I still hate you for making me beg for a copy of it!_

 **Message from Gaia:** _ ***Puts on pixel sunglasses***_ _Deal with it._

 _GG, Gaia. GG. Also, thank you for this awesome ability!_

 **Message from Gaia:** _No problem, Jack. You'll prove as interesting a person as Jee-Han yet._

Before I knew it, Aqua and I were standing in front of the Adventurer's Guild.

 **[Quest Completed!]**

 **Find the Adventurer's Guild before nightfall.**

 **Reward: Aqua does not nag you. For now.**

 _Good enough for me…_

I looked to Aqua, she seemed nervous. I sighed. Like I said before:

 _This is going to be a fucking trial..._

As we walked into the guild, I looked around. I saw a variety of titles and levels above the heads of the people there. There were no names visible yet, but I saw that the levels seemed to range from 12-24 for the most part.

We were greeted by a blonde waitress holding four full beer mugs.

"Welcome! If you're here to eat, please take any open seat. If you need job guidance, head to the counter inside." she said.

"Thanks." I replied.

I looked around and found it to be exactly like it was in the anime. It even had the skeleton of the giant snake thing coiled around the roof.

"Hey." said a large buff man sitting at a table near me. "Haven't seen you around here before."

Aqua shrieked in surprise.

"And what's with the weird clothes?"

"What? Never seen a man in black and red, with a scarf wrapped around his left arm?" I replied.

He looked at me blankly for a few seconds before we both started laughing.

"I'm just fucking with you, man. The name's Jack Gehrman, me and my friend here came from out of town. I'm actually here to defeat the Devil King...as cliché as that name is," I told him.

"Is that right, you reckless punk? You even look the part too," he said. I smirked.

"Welcome to the gates of Hell!" he exclaimed excitedly. "If you're lookin' for the guild admission desk, it's over there."

I fist bumped him with a grin on my face.

"Thanks man!"

"No problem."

I walked to the admission desk, with Aqua following behind me.

"Hey." said Aqua, I grunted in acknowledgement and turned to her. "How can you make up a story like that on the spot?"

"I've watched a lot of anime and played a lot of video games. I've picked up a couple of things throughout the years." was my reply.

We continued walking to the admission desk.

"Why are you so capable when you were dumb enough to get yourself lost in a testing site?" she asked.

"You'll figure it out when you're older." I said patronizingly.

"Hey! I'm older than you!" she exclaimed.

"Fine, fine. You'll figure it out when you're smarter."

"That's better."

 **Message from Ragna:** _Did she just?..._

 _Give it a minute._

"Hey!"

 _HA!_

We walked up to the woman behind the admission desk. Her name was Luna, and good God was she just like the show. Blond wavy hair tied up into a bun at the back of her head, huge breast. And _the most_ low cut shirt I have _ever_ seen. _EVER._ It was like her shirt has trying to play limbo. ON HER CHEST!

 **Message from Ragna:** _Hot damn!_

 **Message from Dante:** _She's hot as Hell!_

 **Message from Lenka:** _Sakuya has some competition!_

 **Message from Eddie:** _(Wolf whistle)_

 **Message from Zelretch:** _Great googly moogly!_

 **Message from Alucard:** _Bloody Hell!_

 **Message from Geralt:** _Meh…_

 _Geralt, you've gotten laid way too much._

 **Message from Geralt:** _Get on my level…_

 _Who taught him gamer speak?_

 **Message from Cthulhu:** _I did._

 _GG. Also, Geralt, what do you think of anime?_

 **Message from Geralt:** _I'm salty. WHY DIDN'T WE HAVE THIS BACK IN THE NORTHERN KINGDOMS!?_

 _Get on my level scrub._

"Hello. What can I do for you today?" asked Luna.

 _It's a good thing I'm not shy around girls._

 **Message from Dante:** _If you were, I'd never let it go._

 _Asshole…_

"How's it going miss, We'd like to become adventures." I said with a smile. She blushed when she got a good look at my face. She paused for a second, I brought my face closer to her's. "Is something wrong miss? Your face is a little red."

She blushed like a freakin' light and stuttered uncontrollably!

 **Message from Dante:** _How?..._

 _Anime Logic 101: Be at least average or good looking. Don't_ ever _use pickup lines, flirt a little bit, but not too much. And finally...don't be an asshole. Treat women with respect._

 **Message from Dante:** _That's it?..._

 _Being badass also helps, like a lot!_

"S-Sure, you'll just need to pay the registration fee." she said trying to regain her composure, but failing since her face was still red.

"Okay, how much is it?" I asked.

"One Thousand Eris per person."

Okay. From what I remember, one Eris is one yen. Basically about one penny is the US, so one hundred yen is one dollar in US. So ten dollars is one thousand Eris. I looked into my inventory.

 **Eris:** 2000

I put my hand in my pocket and made the cash appear, I felt coins in my hand.

 _So, currency changes depending on the world?_

 **Message from Gaia:** _Of course. Incorrect currency would be kind of inconvenient for the player after all...but I'm still wondering why Cthulhu gave you twenty US dollars in the first place._

 _Well, what can you expect from someone who cosplays as the Slenderman? Also, I think he cosplayed as him because the guild membership would cost a total of twenty US dollars._

 **Message from Cthulhu:** _Guilty as charged._

I gave the receptionist my $20. Sorry, Slenderthulhu.

"Allow me to formally explain," Luna said as she brought a stack of cards along with a device that had a blue sphere on top of it.

"Adventurers each have their own occupations."

She held up one of the cards and pointed to it.

"This is your registration card. It keeps track of how many monsters you've vanquished. As your level increases, you'll earn point that you can use to learn skills, so please work hard to raise your level." She explained.

 **Message from Geralt:** _So is this how The Gamer system works?_

 _Yeah, did Cthulhu never tell you?_

 **Message from Geralt:** _No, he pulled me out of my world and asked me to help him choose who got the power that could make them a god._

 _Well, damn, Cthulhu with that rudeness. Well in any case, basically, yes, kind of like how your games work._

 **Message from Geralt:** _I have games about me in your world!_

 _Yeah, based off the books that were about you. Though the games are more like an unofficial sequel to the books._

 **Message from Geralt:** _How so?_

 _The books end when you're stabbed by a villager with a pitch fork._

 **Message from Geralt:** _Fucking hated when that happened._

 _I know man. Amnesia is a bitch._

"Now, both of you, please hold your hands over this crystal." Luna motioned her hand to the device.

I put my hand over the crystal and it started glowing, the metal discs around the crystal moved in intricate ways. While blue glowing particles fell down three wide cone like objects to make a concentrated beam of light. It started writing my information on the card below it.

"With this, you will each learn your current status, so please choose your desired occupation based on your stats." the blond receptionist explained, the beam of light ended.

"Yes, thank you very much." she said as she picked up the card.

"Jack German, is it? Let me see. Your stats are mostly average with the exception of fairly high dexterity and surprisingly high strength for your level. You might make a good swordsman." she said.

"Thanks!" I said while rubbing the back of my head with a grin. Luna blushed and smiled at me.

 **Message from Dante:** _Seriously, how are you doing this!_

 _Git gud, Dante, git gud._

"So, should I make your primary job Swordsman?"

"Yes, please, miss..."

"Oh, I'm sorry, I forgot to introduce myself. My name is Luna."

"That's a lovely name."

She blushed at my compliment as she handed my my registration card. Now that it was Aqua's turn, I leaned against the wall; I knew what was coming. Luna gasped in amazement when Aqua's information was fully put on the card.

"Aside from your intelligence being below average, and your luck being the lowest possible level, all of your stats are drastically above average!" exclaimed a bewildered Luna.

"What? Does that mean I'm really amazing?" the water goddess asked.

"A-Amazing is an understatement! The mage class, which requires intelligence, is out of the question, but other than that you can be anything you want!" She was starting to attract attention from all the other people in the guild.

"A crusader, sword master, arch priest…Nearly any advanced class right from the start!"

"I see. It's a shame there's no 'goddess' occupation,"

 _Humble little one, aren't you,_ I thought sarcastically.

"But in my case, maybe I'll be an arch priest who heals her allies."

"An arch priest! An almighty class that commands all recovery and support magic, and that boasts enough strength to stand at the front line!"

 **Message from Geralt:** _Impressive._

 _Trust me on this, Geralt. Don't get your hopes up._

Everyone in the guild started cheering for Aqua. Luna and the guild staff lined up side by side.

"Without further ado, welcome to our adventurer's guild, Aqua. All of our staff will be looking forward to your future exploits." Luna said in a very excited tone as everyone cheered for Aqua once again.

I just watched as everyone kept praising her. I smiled and sighed.

 **Message from Dante:** _I'm surprised kid!_

 _Why's that Dante?_

 **Message from Dante:** _I thought you were going to go for the spotlight. You know, be the center of attention._

 _Naw, I'm good besides. I take my losses with a grain of salt. I don't like being some prick that always has to be the center of attention._

 **Message from Zelretch:** _Quite humble of you, young lad._

 _Thanks, Zelretch, and besides, I'm the one who has Luna practically eating out of my hand._

Luna notices me leaning on the wall, I simply smile and wink at her. She blushes and starts playing with the bottom of her shirt.

 **Message from Dante:** _Fucking hacks! How!? Were you some kind of playboy back in your original world!?_

 _Nope, I never had a girlfriend or even went on a date before._

…

 _Dante?_

 **Message from Cthulhu:** _I think you broke him._

 _Cool, so where's Nyarlathotep? I haven't heard from her in a while._

 **Message from Cthulhu:** _She's sharpening a knife, muttering about how she's going to and I quote "Slice off that blond cow's jugs."_

 _Nyarlathotep, no!_

 **Message from Nyarlathotep:** _You're mine, damn it!_

 _Oh come on, you knew something like this was going to happen when I got The Gamer ability. Haven't you read the fanfictions? Getting a harem is practically inevitable._

 **Message from Nyarlathotep:** _Fine! But you owe me, and in full. Got it._

 _Thank you._

 **Message from Nyarlathotep:** _(sigh) You are_ so _lucky that I'm bi._

I choked on my own spit when she said that. I started coughing, Luna walked over to me worried that something was wrong.

"Are you okay Jack?" she asked.

"Yeah I'm fine. Don't worry." I said trying not to make her worry.

 _Huh, you learn something new everyday...not that I mind learning that._

 **Chapter 2 End**


	3. Beyond YOLO?

**Chapter 3: Beyond YOLO?**

After... _processing_ the new information I'd learned from Nyarlathotep, I asked Luna where I could find an Inn close by. Surprisingly, there was an Inn just right across the street...shit, no idea how I didn't notice _that_. I went up to the quest board and was surprised to see that it was loaded with that frog killing quest in the show. Kazuma, you're a dumbass, why didn't you just grind the goddamned frog quest?

I walked over to Luna, quest in hand.

"Hey, Luna, I picked the first quest I'll do!" I said excitedly. She smiled at my enthusiasm, but then looked at me worriedly.

"Are you sure, Jack? You don't have a weapon."

 **Gift Choice from Cthulhu: First Weapon!**

 **[Longsword]**

 **[Katana]**

 **[Spear]**

 **[Axe]**

 **[Brass Knuckles]**

 **[Scythe]**

 _Aw! Damn it, Cthulhu! Why do you do this to me!?_

Well shit, first weapon, and I couldn't choose my favorite weapon, the scythe. Why couldn't I pick it? Well, it is in all honesty _very_ impractical as a weapon. I didn't know anything about katanas _at all,_ not a lick of spear skill, and I couldn't _axe_ anyone the question of importance.

 _ **Ding!**_

 **[Terrible Puns] (Passive)** LV 3, EXP [0%] This is your ability to make terrible puns. As the skill EXP increases, you will be able to make people groan extremely loud, but grudgingly admit your prowess at terrible puns. Horrific nature of your puns increases by 8%.

 _Power leveling the fuck out of it…_

And I didn't know how good brass knuckles could be against giant frogs.

 _Longsword style it is._

 _ **Ding!**_

 **[Good decision making! Wisdom increased by 1.]**

The sword was sent into my inventory, I opened it up and brought the longsword out of my inventory _right in front of Luna._ She was without a doubt, shocked at what I just did.

"Jack, how did you pull a sword out of mid air!" she exclaimed.

"I've got my own personal pocket dimension." I said smoothly.

"Your own pocket dimension...how much can it store?"

 _Cthulhu, how much can my inventory store?_

 **Message from Cthulhu:** _Unlimited space bruh!_

"I've got unlimited space."

Luna looked even more shocked at this.

"So, can I do the quest?"

"Y-Yeah..."

 **Quest:** Kill 5 Giant Toads in three days.

 **Failure:** Disappointment from everyone. You become a laughingstock.

I grinned in excitement. To this Luna blushed and smiled softly. I was about to walk out of the guild when I was stopped by Aqua.

"Hey Jack, where are you going? And where did you get that sword?" she asked.

"Quest, and pocket dimension," I said simply.

"Why didn't you bring me!?"

"Don't worry, Aqua, just relax in the guild. I'll be back in an hour or two," I said as I exited the guild - much to her protest.

I opened up my stat window.

 _I've got 5 points_ …

I put all the points into my Intelligence stat.

 **Name:** Jack Gehrman

 **Occupation:** The Eldritch Gamer

 **LV:** 5

 **EXP:** 0%

 **HP:** 175/175

 **MP:** 115/115

 **Strength:** 23

 **Vitality:** 12

 **Dexterity:** 14

 **Intelligence:** 12

 **Wisdom:** 9

 **Luck:** 9

 **Point(s):** 0

 **Eris:** 0

 _Sweet, more MP!_

 **Timeskip: To the grassy hills with Giant Toads.**

I took in a deep breath of fresh air and exhaled with a smile. I had my sword resting on my shoulder, while looking for those Giant Toads. It didn't take long before I heard some of them coming to my location. I turned my head to the left, two of them. I used **[Observation]** on one of the toads.

 **Indigenous Creature**

 **LV 7 Giant Toad**

 **HP: 400/400**

 **MP: 50/50**

A giant toad. They are extremely common in the plains around Axel, and frequently harass humans living in the area, especially farmers and their livestock.

 _Should be easy...I hope._

I readied my sword and rushed the first toad. I swung my sword into its front right leg. To my surprise, it cut _really_ deeply into it's leg, almost all the way through the bone. I ripped my sword out of it's leg and stomped on it's now gravely wounded leg. This broke the Toad's leg, causing it to _really_ feel the pain. It was thrashing around wildly making panicked croaking sounds. I took my sword and stabbed it through the eye, burying the sword to the hilt.

It must have gone through the brain, because it stopped moving and twitched as I pulled the sword out. This was my first ever real life kill. It was empowering and frightening to see how easy it was to take a life, especially that of a creature of this size.

But even in the midst of such philosophy, I still couldn't pass up the opportunity for the following pun. I whipped out my sunglasses.

"Looks like the toad...just _croaked._ "

 _YEAAAAAAAA-_

 _ **Ding!**_

 **[Terrible Puns] (Passive)** LV 4, EXP [0%] This is your ability to make terrible puns. As the skill EXP increases, you will be able to make people groan extremely loud, but grudgingly admit your prowess at terrible puns. Horrific nature of your puns increases by 10%.

 _Power. Leveling. The. Fuck. Out. Of. This._

Suddenly, every toad around in a ten-mile radius groaned audibly.

My head turned to the next toad heading my way. I rushed it like the last but this time it launched its tongue at me. I barely dodged it and I noticed that it's tongue would recede back into its body faster than I could make it to the toad. I was still in the tongue's path, and it would knock me over, or worse.

 _Aw, screw it, what's the worst that could happen...don't you fucking answer that, Murphy's Law!_

I used my momentum to slide underneath the toad and stabbed with my sword from underneath it. Still moving under the toad, I gripped my sword harder, effectively slicing the toad's underbelly from chin to crotch. Once the momentum from sliding stopped I got up quickly and faced the toad. There was _a lot_ of gore.

"Jesus Christ, Mortal Kombat be _damned!_ "

 **Message from Nyarlathotep:** _You okay there, Jack? You look a bit pale._

"Yeah, I-I'm fine. Just never expected to see _real_ gore."

 **Message from Nyarlathotep:** _Don't worry, it's like this all the time for most humans. Just take a deep breath okay._

I do as she says, it calms me down a lot. But this confirms one of my thoughts at the back of my head, **[Eldritch Mind]** doesn't alter my way of thinking or my mind in general; it just makes me able to comprehend beings like Cthulhu and Nyarlathotep. I'll still be myself, I won't truly think of my life as a game.

"Thanks, I needed that."

 **Message from Nyarlathotep:** _No problem!_

"Hey, do you know what happened to Dante and the others?"

 **Message from Nyarlathotep:** _Oh, Dante went into a corner to cry while everyone went to console him._

"Well then. I guess the Devil."

I wiped out the sun glasses.

"...May _Cry._ "

 _YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-_

 _ **Ding!**_

 **[Terrible Puns] (Passive)** LV 5, EXP [0%] This is your ability to make terrible puns. As the skill EXP increases, you will be able to make people groan extremely loud, but grudgingly admit your prowess at terrible puns. Horrific nature of your puns increases by 12%.

I grinned at that.

 **Message from Nyarlathotep:** _(giggle) This is why I like you so much, you love puns just as much as me!_

"Aw, thank you! But why are you the only one here at the moment?"

 **Message from Nyarlathotep:** _You really think I'm going to miss out on my favorite person getting his first kills? Like Hell._

I smiled softly, I looked to my next target.

More toads. Riveting!

"Okay, let's do this. LEEEEEEEROY JENKINNNNNS!"

 **Two hours later, after brutally slaughtering many Giant Toads...**

 **Third Person POV**

 _Back at the Adventurer's Guild..._

Two hours had just passed, only Aqua and Luna were still there and Jack wasn't back yet. Luna was getting worried, but had faith that he'd make it back okay. Aqua was without a doubt bored as all Hell. She slammed her hands down on the table.

"Where the Hell is he!?" the goddess shouted.

At that very moment the sound of the guild doors being kicked in echoed throughout the building. It was our self-insert protagonist, he had his sword resting over his shoulder, his left hand in his pocket. He looked like he was out of breath, and...he was covered in blood and sweat.

"Goodness, Jack! What happened to you?" Luna shouted worriedly.

"I was in the zone... _huff_...I was about to leave when I killed five... _huff..._ but then the blood drew in more toads... _huff..._ and I had to _fight_ my way out... _huff..._ but if it's any consolation, _none_ of this blood is mine." Jack said with a satisfied grin with blood on the majority of his face.

He was so tired that he had to practically drag himself to the table Aqua and Luna were sitting at. Once at the table, he unceremoniously dropped himself on the bench and threw his sword into his inventory before slamming his head down onto the table.

"How many toads did you kill, Jack?" asked Aqua.

Jack raised his head up, still a little out of breath.

"Um, I kind of shut my brain off after eight kills and just kept swinging." he answered unsurely, his voice muffled by the table.

"Um, Jack, where are the Giant Toads themselves?" asked Luna.

"Pocket dimension. I had a feeling I might need the corpses as proof of the kills." Jack said simply

Jack sat up straight, he looked like he just ran a marathon; sweat ran down his face and soaked his shirt, which clung to his skin and showed his well developed six pack. Jack took off his hoodie and wrapped it around his waist, and stretched his arms unknowingly giving both girls a bit of a show, if Luna and surprisingly Aqua blushing up a storm was anything to go by.

 **Jack POV**

That was _fucking_ exhausting! The level ups were _so_ worth it though, three levels and I got my first title. Yay! I looked at Aqua and Luna sitting next to each other red faced and steam coming out of their heads. I looked at where my shirt was soaked...holy shit, there was a six pack.

I looked back to the girls and grinned.

"Like what you see?" I asked with a teasing grin.

They both nodded in a mechanical fashion.

 **Message from Nyarlathotep:** _I know that I do!_

 _GG Nyarlathotep, GG._

Well let's turn in this quest.

"Hey Luna, where do you need me to put the corpses?" I asked.

Once Luna recovered, she brought me to a room in the back of the guild to put the toad corpses. She along with Aqua watched as I pulled 16 fresh still bleeding borderline mutilated toad corpses out of thin air. Aqua's jaw dropped to the floor when she saw that.

"Did you honestly think you brought someone who was weak, Aqua? Because you were _very_ wrong in that regard," I said to her quietly so that Luna wouldn't hear.

Aqua looked at me with wide eyes as I walked back into the main guild hall.

"So, Luna, I'm guessing most people come back into the guild when it's night, right?" I asked.

"Yes, Jack, people usually come back to the guild at night to eat, hang out with friends, and drink the night away." she explained.

"Mostly drink the night away," I guessed.

"Yeah..."

"So, I get 100,000 Eris for the quest, right?" I asked as we walked back to the guild administrative desk.

"Well, normally, but you killed 16 of them. Jack, you've done about three of the same quest. And you and I both know that the board is loaded with that quest this time of year. _So_ that amount adds up to 300,000 Eris in total."

I froze dead in my tracks. 300,000 Eris...in one single day. Well at least I don't have to worry about having no money for a while.

"300,000 Eris. Just. Wow."

"At least you don't have to worry about not being able to pay for a room in the Inn, right?"

"Y-Yeah."

Luna handed me the money on a small tray and I put it in my inventory. Aqua and I waved goodbye as we walked out of the guild and into the Inn. As we walked into the Inn we spotted an old man behind the counter.

"Hello, young man. Are you here to rent a room for the night?" the old man asked.

"Yes, sir, we would like two rooms, or at least a two-bed room if you have one." I said.

"I apologize, young man, but there's only one room left and it's a one-bed room. The last room that was open just got rented out to a mercenary." the old man told me.

I paled the moment the words "one-bed room" left his mouth.

... _Shit…_

I sighed, there was no fucking way in _Hell_ that I was sleeping in the stables like Kazuma in the anime.

"W-We'll take the room sir."

"Okay then young man, that'll be 3,000 Eris per night."

"All right, then."

I put my hand in my pocket in take the money out of my inventory. I gave the elderly man the money and he gave me a key with a room number on it. Aqua and I went to our designated room, it was a cozy little room. The bed looked soft, there was a window, a nightstand.

While this was nice and all, what surprised me the most was that the Inn keeper didn't comment on the fact that I was covered in blood. Speaking of, I need a bath and a way to clean my clothes.

"Aqua, I'm about to go take a bath I'm heading to the bath house in town. You need anything?" I asked her.

"Food," the goddess said rubbing her stomach.

"Don't worry, when night hits in a few hours we'll eat like kings in the guild."

I walked into the out of the Inn and to the bath house after getting some directions. Once in the bath house I put all my clothes in my **Inventory** and headed to the male bathing area. Took off my clothes and stepped into the bath. Good God, hot water is always best after a hard day's work! It took a while to get the blood out of my hair, but with the shampoo they had hair it didn't take too long. Once done, I took a towel from the towel rack and started drying my hair. Their was a comb by the sink, I used it the comb out my now tangled and knotted hair.

After I finished combing my hair I looked into a full body length mirror inside the bath and I took a good look at myself. Black straight shoulder length hair with bangs that went past my lip and at the sides of my head in front of my ears the hair was longer and went down to my collar bone, on the left side of my head my hair spiked slightly. The back of my head had my hair go to my shoulders.

I had blood-red eyes and an angular face, looked _exactly_ like my OC with the exception of the scars and the fact that I was still six foot two in terms of height.

No shit, about six feet tall and I'm only seventeen!

But what surprised me most was the rest of my new body, there wasn't even a _shred_ of fat on me! I had one of the _most_ well defined compact bodies for a male I had ever seen!

 **Message from Nyarlathotep:** _I see that you like your new body. Basically what we did for you new body was give it the same stats as your first body had, but when we entered your stats this is how it turned out._

 _...I'm so glad I went to the gym so often back in my original world,_ I thought with a grin.

"So, is there anything I should know about my new body?"

 **Message from Nyarlathotep:** _Well as you can see this body_ can't _produce body hair or facial hair, other than that not that I know of._

"Body and facial hair is more trouble than it's worth so thanks for that and what you mean 'Not that you know of?'"

 **Message from Nyarlathotep:** _Well...this_ is _the first time a Great Old One or Outer God did anything like this so not even_ we _don't know all the details about it._

"Fuck..." I sighed. "Looks like I'm going in blind."

 **Message from Nyarlathotep:** _Don't worry. Cthulhu and I will run some test on your new body soon, okay?_

"Okay, but that leaves us with another problem."

 **Message from Nyarlathotep:** _Huh?_

"Where am I going to get some clean clothes?"

 **Message from Nyarlathotep:** _I got it._

 **Gift from Nyarlathotep: New Clothes**

 **[** **Black Second Skin Tank Top** **]**

 **[Black Jeans]**

 **[Black Leather Belt]**

 **[Black Boxers]**

 **[Calf-High Red-Laced Black Combat Boots]**

 _Thanks!_

There is _no_ such thing as wearing too much black. Anyone who says otherwise speaks pure blasphemy! I got dressed with the jeans stuffed into the boots and headed out of the bath house. But on my way back to the Inn I had a thought.

 _Hey, Nyarlathotep, I died and came back to life, right?_

 **Message from Nyarlathotep:** _Yeah, why?_

 _Am I beyond YOLO?_

 **Message from Nyarlathotep:** _Just...just...no. IT'S TIME TO STOP!_

 _WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOUR PARENTS!?_

 **Message from Nyarlathotep:** _IT'S TOO MUCH CANCER!_

 _I CAN FEEL THE TUMORS GROWING ON MY BACK!..._

 **Message from Nyarlathotep:** _AND THEY'RE WEIGHING DOWN HEAVY!_

 _PUFF! Hahahahahahahahahaha!? I just fucking can't!_

 **Message from Nyarlathotep:** _Why did I not find you sooner!_

 _Too...much...Bloodborne!_

 **Message from Nyarlathotep:** _You_ were _kind of obesed with the works of H.P. Lovecraft after all._

 _And this is bad in your case how?..._

 **Message from Nyarlathotep:** _It...isn't...huh._

 _This is why we don't question things Nyarlathotep._

Before I knew it I was in front of the Inn once again, I went straight to mine and Aqua's room.

Aqua was laying down on the bed, looking _extremely_ bored.

"Hey Aqua." I said.

Aqua turned her head to me, and blushed scarlet red when she locked at what I was wearing.

"J-J-J-J-Jack!" the goddess of water stuttered.

"Yo, you ready to head to the Guild? It's 'about night time, so they should be severing food right about now..." I said thinking.

"W-Where did you get those clothes?"

"I told you before, Aqua. Pocket dimension."

"How do you even _have_ a pocket dimension!? You were supposed to be a normal human being."

"Chin up, luv! You got more than you bargained for."

 _God, I played_ way _too much Overwatch…_

"B-But then...how did you kill all those frogs so easily!?"

"Aqua, I'm pretty strong for my age, and I've got a _very_ sharp sword. Slicing through limbs isn't that hard for me."

Aqua nodded slowly.

"Now are you going to stand there and ogle at me all day _or_ are we going to the guild to eat?"

At this Aqua grabbed my hand and rushed out of the Inn as we headed to the guild. I already put my points where I wanted them to be, I opened up my status menu.

 **Name:** Jack Gehrman **Toad Slayer**

 **Occupation:** The Eldritch Gamer

 **LV:** 8

 **EXP:** 67%

 **HP:** 235/235

 **MP:** 160/160

 **Strength:** 25

 **Vitality:** 18

 **Dexterity:** 14

 **Intelligence:** 19

 **Wisdom:** 9

 **Luck:** 9

 **Point(s):** 0

 **Eris:** 297,000

I smirked as Aqua and I entered the guild.

 **Chapter 3 End**


	4. Breaking down your walls

**Chapter 4: Breaking down your walls**

Aqua nearly broke the doors when she entered the guild.

"Aqua!" I shouted, "Calm down! The food's not going anywhere!"

"It's going down other peoples' throats, Jack!" The water goddess shouted, " _This is unacceptable_!"

I sighed as we walked into the guild.

 _And here...we...go._

The guild was bustling with people eating and drinking.

And boy were they drinking...like God damned fishes.

What they were doing should just be called "drunking."

I spotted Luna over at the guild administrative area, she was busy with approving jobs for other members of the guild so I didn't bother her. Aqua and I sat down at an empty table and waited for one of the waitresses. It didn't take long for one of them to come to our table.

"Hello, would you like to order something?" The waitress said in a cheery voice.

"Yes, we would, miss." I said, "What's being served?"

"Well, right now we're not really running out of food, since an adventurer killed about sixteen Giant Toads earlier today. On an unrelated note, the special for today is Giant Toad Legs," she informed me.

"Y-Yeah...that adventurer would be me," I said, scratching the back of my head sheepishly.

The waitress looked like she didn't believe me.

"You're joking, right?"

"Nope." I said, popping the "p" sound.

"Oh!" she said in sudden realization, "So _you're_ the guy Luna wouldn't stop talking about all day!"

" _Reeeeeeeeeeeeally now?_ " I asked. This was going to be fun, "And what _did_ she say?"

She smiled mischievously, " _Weeeeeeeeeeeeelllllllllllllllllllll..._ she was going _on_ and _on_ about how you were _so dreamy and-_ "

"Marica, one of these days I'm going to drown you! In beer!"

We turned our heads to see Luna, who had _conveniently_ just finished her shift for the day, stomp her way over to mine and Aqua's table. Her face was lit up like a damn Christmas tree.

But on that note.

God damn!

Shut down! I mean God _damn._ Noscoped from across the bar! From across the whole fucking server!

Someone give Luna Play of the Game!

Her hair already makes her look like Mercy make it go full circle!

"How's it going Luna?" I asked, stopping her from attempting to maim her coworker.

"U-Um...hi, Jack-" Luna said.

Luna froze when she got a good look at what I was wearing, and my God she couldn't get any redder if she tried.

That, and she was stuttering like a broken record.

Then it occurred to me...I am senpai now. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Welp, unlike most senpai, _I_ will _notice you_!

I gently took her by the waist and sat her down next to me at the table.

"Come on, Luna. You can eat with Aqua and me," I offered. "I'm buying."

She nodded hesitantly. "O-Okay..."

I turned to the waitress, now named Marica.

"Yeah, we'll have three orders of Giant Toad Leg-"

 _SMASH!_

Behind the waitress - whose expression had changed to surprise - two people crashed through the brick wall.

One was a very large man who had muscles. This guy was seriously a mountain. That was all I could see at the speed he was going. But he was the one flying through the wall.

 _I came in like a wrecking ball~._ I sang in my head.

The other person was a guy of medium height, who seemed to be in a pose that suggested that he had air-kicked the mountain dude through the wall. Which was also all I could tell at that speed.

The mountain guy flew through the air and eventually landed on the job board. The average-height guy landed on the ground and skidded a few feet before stopping.

The bricks from the wall, however, decided to land pretty much everywhere.

After the dust settled, I got a better look at the average-height guy.

He had a fair complexion, slightly long black hair, and one forelock of that hair. He wore a red tunic, and loose-fitting black pants, held up by a belt. He also wore black boots.

Then a guy in the corner who was wearing an ascot yelled, "WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! YOU GETTIN' YO' ASS WHUPPED!"

Luna sighed, as if this were routine.

"Valence," she chided. "It doesn't matter if you pay us back. At some point, kindly stop kicking your targets through the guild wall."

"No, keep doing it!" I said. "That was awesome!"

The average-height guy, apparently named Valence, now had proper identification above his head.

 **Mercenary**

 **LV 26 Valence**

But it confused me, because I remembered no one from this universe named that. And what was with that level?

 _Cthulhu…_

 **Message from Cthulhu:** _Yes, Jack._

 _Who the actual fuck is this guy?_

 **Message from Cthulhu:** _An extra._

 _What?..._

 **Message from Cthulhu:** _You know. A background character. One who would have never come into play if you hadn't gone around killing toads as you were actually supposed to. It appears your existence has tampered a bit more with this world than you realize._

 _Huh?...Well, I should have expected this. Also, has Dante stopped crying like a little bitch?_

 **Message from Dante:** _I FUCKING_ _hate you right now, you slut._

 _I'm sorry that I know how shit works in anime._

 **Message from Dante:** _You SHOULD be!_

 **Message from Zelretch:** _Apparently Dante, for all the shit he talks,_ doesn't _know what sarcasm is._

 **Message from Lenka:** _How does he not know what sarcasm is? He uses it all the time._

 **Message from Dante:** _NO, there's NO WAY I know what SARCASM is. What's THAT?_

 _It's basically your sex life, but less painful._

 **Message from Cthulhu:** _Ruined._

 **Message from Geralt:** _Get on his level scrub!_

 **Message from Eddie:** _Rocked, rolled and rekt!_

 **Message from Ragna:** _Terumi isn't even_ that _brutal!_

 **Message from Alucard:** _Rekt..._

 **Message from Dante:** _Fuck you guys..._

 **Message from that one priest from a Slap on Titan** _ **:**_ _PRAYZE the walls!_

 _Wait, when did he get here?_

 **Message from Cthulhu** : _He just kind of showed up one day and he was far too entertaining to let go._

 _Fair enough, I guess._

"Hm," Valence said, turning to the rest of the room. "Will of the council?"

Everyone basically agreed that he should stop kicking his targets through the wall, most especially those with debris in their food.

"All right, all right," he said, holding his hands up for silence. "I'll _possibly consider_ not doing it next time. But I make no promises."

"Good thing the food _didn't_ get here before he started knocking down walls like he was the Kool-Aid Man."

 **Message from Cthulhu:** _Oh, no._

 **Message from Dante:** _Oh, no._

 **Message from Geralt:** _Oh, no._

 **Message from Ragna:** _Oh, no._

 **Message from Ascot Guy from a Slap on Titan:** _Oh, no._

 **Message from Alucard:** _Oh, no._

"Oh, yeah," Valence said.

 _That mother fucker has_ no _idea what he just did._

 **Message from Nyarlathotep:** _XD The others are too busy laughing to send messages!_

"And now, to collect," Valence continued, speaking to Luna. "The Mountain Man has been subdued, so I think that's...about 300,000 Eris? Not counting the deduction I owe you for the wall."

"Yes," Luna said dryly. "Your Wall Tax will be taken into account. Go see the attendant for your payment."

 _He does that so often they actually have a tax for it..._

"Thanks," Valence said, smiling. He waved to Luna and began to make his way to the desk. "I'll see you later."

"Peace!" I said, waving from my seat.

Valence turned his head to me.

"Ah, I see there's a new guy here," he said. "Strange-looking, but I see you have Luna's attention at least, so there's something."

Luna blushed bright red at his blunt statement.

I shrugged and smirked.

"Hey, I'm already buying her dinner." I said. "Like Hell! I'd have to be some dense prick to not notice a pretty girl crushing on me."

Valence snapped his fingers.

"Dinner! That's what I forgot! Dang. All right, I'll see you all later. After I collect payment and deposit the Wall Tax, I need to _eat_ ," Valence said as he left.

I turned my head to Luna.

"What a nice guy," I said in an overly cheerful tone.

"What a nice _headache,_ you mean," Luna groaned. "The approval process to fix that wall is becoming nightmarish. Still, I guess he's at least reliable."

"Wow," I said. "How many times a week does he break down the walls?"

"It's not really a matter of times a week. Whenever he's in town, he does it _at least_ once," she answered. "His consistency is just enough to make my job harder."

"Damn, he must come to town often..." I said, surprised, "So, yeah, we'll have three orders of Giant Toad Legs."

"Okay," Marica responded. "And what would you like to drink?"

"What do you have?"

"Beer, more beer, generic beer, exactly _one_ bottle of wine, and beer," Marica answered cheerfully.

"What flavor is the wine?" I asked, in awe at how much beer there was.

"It's wine-flavored," she answered, still cheerful.

"I'll take the wine..." I said, with deadpan.

"You sure? It's _strong._ "

"How strong?"

"It can bench-press Valence and the Mountain Man. At the same time."

"I'll take that as a challenge."

 **Five Minutes Later**

"Iiiiiiiin this corner of the ring! The Fiendish Brew, the Devil's Due, the _SINGLE BOTTLE OF WINE, weighing in at 4 fluid ounces!_ " Marica gestured to my opponent.

The bottle of wine was simply standing there on a stool about seven feet away from me. It was absolutely miniscule.

The thing was tiny but also really _really_ hardcore. It had no brand label. Just a pentagram with 666 at each of the tips and also in the middle. It was six times more satanic than Satan himself.

My God...

This will be my _most_ hardcore battle yet!

I can only imagine what kind of Hellish grapes were used to make the concoction in front of me.

Who knows just what kind of horrors it's put people through, or how much of it is actually just the tears of dying orphans. I could probably die of alcohol poisoning by just dipping my finger in that bottle even if it were empty.

But _none_ of that matters now.

It's time to throw down motherfuckers!

I grabbed the bottle of wine and popped the cork on the nearest table.

Let's _fucking_ do this!

 **Thirty Seconds Later**

"Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!"

Everyone in the guild cheered as I drank the wine like I was dying of thirst.

I drank the last of the contents of the bottle.

"Mosiltoph motherfuckers!" I yelled as I smashed the now empty bottle on the table.

 **Debuff- Drunk**

 **Message from Cthulhu:** _It baffles me how you're not dead from alcohol poisoning._

 _Im' jsut taht bdssa…_

 **Message from Cthulhu:** _Are you going to say anything else?_

 _wEht u meen?/_

 **Message from Cthulhu:** _Your last message had 3 dots at the end._

 _Tht'sa won pired ye dco;iadjv_

 **Message from Cthulhu:** _You're so astronomically drunk you can't control your own thoughts' punctuation. *Facepalm*_

 _Yuer jest gellis m9_

 _ **Ding!**_

 **New skill made!**

 **[Alcohol Tolerance] (Passive)** LV 45, EXP [70%] This is your ability to withstand any alcohol related effects. As EXP increases, you will be able to make Irishmen worship you as their new God. At max rank, Jacksepticeye will crown you their king and no matter how much you drink you can't die of alcohol poisoning but can somehow still get drunk. Tolerance to alcohol increases by 10%.

 **Message from Ragna:** _Holy. Shit. The Hell was in that bottle that made the skill level jump from 0 to 45!?_

 **Message from Alucard:** _How much would you have to drink to max that shit? And more importantly, where can I get that much alcohol?_

 **Message from Cthulhu:** _I don't think we want to know the answer to that. He may just try to power level the skill._

"Jack, are you okay?" Luna asked.

"Ehhhh, I just *hic* drank a f-four *hic* ounce bottle of terror with *hic* nothing in my system." Then I fell down.

"...Jack? I don't think you're..."

"This floor is my friend…*hic* the ceiling is Harambe..." I said in a cheerfully, my voice muffled by the floor. I tried to unzip my pants to get my dick out, but luckily I was too drunk to do so and nobody noticed what I was doing.

I tried to get up. Instantly I felt sick, and if I'd been in the right mind, I would have been worried sick that I was about to throw up with a goddam eldritch body (didja get that? Worried sick?). I convulsed onto a chair and grabbed a flower pot that was on the table.

HWWWWWWBLLAAAAAAAAARRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!

I was dumb enough to look into the flower pot. Instead of the usual vegetable soup that characterizes throw up, it was filled with rainbows.

 _Did they make this with Skittles stolen from the dying orphans whose tears were squeezed out of their ducts?_

 **Message from Alucard:** _OH GOD!_

 **Message from Eddie:** _THAT IS NASTY! I DIDN'T THINK RAINBOWS COULD BE NASTY BUT THESE ONES ARE!_

 **Message from Dante:** _I'll never look at Skittles the same way again!_

 **Message from Cthulhu:** _In all my eternities, I have never seen anything that fucked up. And I have cults that worship me._

 **Message from Zelretch:** _I...I got nothing..._

Then Luna said, "If I ever have to taste that rainbow, just put me out of my misery right there."

I felt Luna rub my back right before my head slammed into the table when I blacked out.

 **The next day**

 **You have slept on a comfortable surface for eight hours.**

 **All HP and MP restored.**

 **All debuffs are cured.**

Oh great, I can actually sit up.

Double great I don't have a hangover - somehow… Fucking loving **[Eldritch Mind]** and **[Eldritch Body]** right now.

I felt two foreign weights on my shoulders.

I looked to my left and what do I see?

Luna. Naked.

Fuck. Literally.

Dammit, now I remembered...extremely vaguely.

Why that lady would want to fuck someone who had just thrown up rainbows was beyond me.

Oh right she made me drink a whole bottle of mouthwash. No, not swish, _drink_.

At that point it was just as hard to get down as the wine.

I thought mouthwash came after the sixty nine (heh, 'came').

And apparently I _had_ gotten my dick out. But it was only _kind of_ for Harambe.

But did I consent? I think I did and it just came out as "Eughgadfjaads oioy ya b3ubs lerk fdalkjin' grayt".

And I _still_ haven't had dinner yet.

When I listened very closely, I could hear Dante crying some more.

I love the taste of salty tears in the morning.

I used my left arm to bring Luna closer to me.

"I feel like I'm forgetting something..." I muttered.

I turned my head to the other side of the bed.

Aqua. Naked.

Fuck...again. Literally...again.

Damn it, I stuck my dick in stupid!

 **New achievement acquired: Stud -** _You fucked two girls at once. It wasn't even the first date. And you were mentally incapable of trying or giving a fuck. And yet somehow you gave two._

 **New achievement acquired: Asshole -** _Congratulations, even the game thinks you're a douche now. This is what happens if you_ don't _whip it out fully for Harambe!_

Fuck I miss him too.

Worth it.

 _So_ God damned worth it.

I was going to get up, but then I realized: that would wake them up. The girls were both sleeping on my shoulders. Ah fuck I had to piss.

 _I should just go in the inventory and throw it at someone later. Wait, can I even piss in the inventory? Now is not the time to find out. I have morning wood anyway._

 _ **Ding!**_

 **New skill acquired!**

 **[Sexual Intercourse] (Passive)** LV 40, EXP [69%] This the ability to please your partner in the only environment that matters: the bedroom (or wherever you like to do the dance with no pants). Once in the right state, you have the option to _feel the love tonight_ (cry some more) by unleashing the zipper ripper, the weapon of ass destruction, the dicktator, excalibur, call it what you like, it's out _now_.

I tried my God damned _best_ not to start laughing my ass off.

So far that's my favorite ability description. Right next to terrible puns.

 _Guys, how long did we go at it for the level to be motherfucking 40!? Yesterday was one productive fucking day._

 **Message from Cthulhu:** _Good morning, man whore._

Y'know for a while, I thought having these badasses in my mind would be a good thing. But NOPE! They saw everything I did. _Everything._ I couldn't fap without them looking over my shoulder anymore.

 **Message from Zelretch:** _I'll say, Lenka, Ragna, Geralt, and Eddie left saying something about the bro code, Cthulhu, Nyarlathotep, Dante, Alucard, and I all watched the 16 hour sextacle spectacle spectacular. Dante brought lawn chairs, red bull, and 3D glasses._

 _That doesn't sound like something he'd do._

 **Message from Zelretch:** _He thought you'd get a floppy disk._

 **Message from Alucard:** _I have been ripping human bodies apart for centuries and I didn't know that they could contort like that._

 **Message from Dante:** _You little shit! How the Hell are you getting laid faster than I do!? I'm gonna fucken' drown you one of these days!_

 _I'm already drowning in your salty virgin tears._

 **Message from Alucard:** _NOW YOU'RE A MAN! A MAN, MAN, MAN! NOW YOU'RE A MAN! A MANLY MANLY MAN!_

 **Message from Nyarlathotep:** _Jack?..._

 _Yes?..._

 **Message from Nyarlathotep:** _When you get back, we're powerleveling the living shit outta that skill._

I wasn't sure if I should have been aroused, terrified or both.

 **Message from Dante:** _Really!? You too!? I thought you were fucking kidding when you said you had a crush on the kid!_

 _Oh Dante, your tears are my berry blue gatorade._

 **Message from Nyarlathotep:** _That feels like a reference to something…_

 _Well my OC's name has been used in of my several fanfictions, so it is. Hooray for shameless self promotion! ...I still have morning wood. Are these two going to wake up anytime soon!? And on that note. HOW IN THE NINE HELLS DID THE SEX SKILL GO UP TO LEVEL FUCKING 40!? And more importantly what was in that bottle to make me up higher in alcohol tolerance than I did in sexual intercourse?_

 **Message from Cthulhu:** _It was a combination of the buff the wine gave you when you blacked out and the fact that you fucked a goddess._

 _I'll take a shot in the dark and say the buff gave me an extreme EXP for skills, but what the Hell does fucking a goddess have anything to do with it?_

 **Message from Cthulhu:** _By the way, level 20 is the limit of human sex. Level 30 is the last level for demigods. And level 40 is the end of gods. You've still got a long way to go though. Nyarlathotep is level at least 80._ _And as for the bottle, even I have trouble drinking it. Me. Cthulhu._

 _Oh God my body is_ not _ready._

 **Message from Nyarlathotep:** _Nope. But it will be. After I break you a few times and build you back up._

 _I really hope that means just putting the level back at 0._

 **Message from Nyarlathotep:** _Nope. Scared?_

 _I'm not saying I'm scared. I'm just saying I'm scared. And that I'm shitting pineapples...wait, I have_ **[Eldritch Body]** _and_ **[Eldritch Mind]** _you_ can't _break me!_

 **Message from Nyarlathotep:** _Sweetie you only have the confidence to say that because you can't even imagine the things I'm going to pull out of you._

 _...I need an adult…_

 **Message from Nyarlathotep:** _I am an adult._

 **Message from Alucard:** _Welp this went from hilariously awkward to painful to imagine so I'm leaving now._

 **Message from Cthulhu:** _I'm just going to back away slowly and come back when there's less weird shit._

 **Message from Dante:** _...I'll help you stock up on Viagra kid, you'll need it…_

 **Message from Zelretch:** _Jack it's_ my _turn to make a bad pun… you're screwed._

 _At least have the deiced to give me a Berry Blue Gatorade!_

 **Chapter 4 End**


	5. Revelations

**Chapter 5: Revelations**

I _somehow_ got out of bed without waking up Aqua and Luna.

I'm not really sure _how_ I pulled off that miracle.

Well...I was naked but beggars can't be choosers.

Cthulhu decided to have _some_ mercy on me by gifting me some boxers and a pair of grey sweatpants.

Also I got a new skill out of sneaking away to the bathroom!

 **[Stealth] (Passive)** LV 17, EXP [96.9%] This is your ability to sneak around. As the skill EXP, you will be able to make Solid Snake stand shocked in awe for how good you are at using cardboard boxes for stealth. Be the box, motherfucker. Be the box!

Holy shit the skill EXP buff is still going!

Smirking at the new skill, I swiped the black holographic screen away. I looked into the mirror in the inn's restroom.

I gazed into the blood red eyes that were now mine. It's weird, being in a body that's not your own - that _shouldn't_ be your own. But here I am, looking at the reflection of the complete stranger in the mirror.

I sighed as I splashed cold water onto my face.

This was going to take some time to get use to.

In all honesty, while I love this new body, I was going to miss my old one.

A lot of Rule 34 witnessed with that one.

 **Message from Gaia:** _One day. One singular day. I left you to check on Jee-Han, and you've already had a threesome! While I'm honestly impressed that you lost your virginity on your first day as a gamer, and in a threesome no less...What would your mother think?!_

Damnit, Cthulhu probably told her!

 _Well...Um-I-She!_

My mind halted as I thought about my mother and family in general.

 _Oh. Shit._

I felt the blood in my body run cold when I realized something _very_ horrifying.

 **Message from Gaia:** _Jack are you ok?_

 **Message from Dante:** _You're as pale as a ghost kid, the hell happened?_

 **Message from Zelretch:** _Come on Jack, speak! Preferably before I decide to throw a pissed off Pikachu at your face, mid-Volt Tackle._

 **Message from Alucard, Lenka, Eddie, Ragna, and Geralt:** _Dude, are you alright?_

"I disappeared at _night_ , during summer vacation, when I should be sleeping in at home. I haven't seen or contacted my family for an _entire day_ , more than long enough for my parents to notice that I'm missing." I said out loud, wide eyed, my voice was barely a whisper.

 **Message from Cthulhu:** _Never thought I'd be able to play this song._

 **BMG: Jeopardy - Think Music**

I stood in front of the mirror with a blank face as the song played.

…

…

…

Fucking hell it's this kind of shit that makes me want to stab people.

 **BMG END**

 _ ***Ring! Ring! Ring! Ring!***_

 **Message from everyone except for Cthulhu and Nyarlathotep:** _Oh. Oooooh...Oh shit!_

 _Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Cthulhu, I could_ _ **really**_ _use your help right about now!_

 **Message from Cthulhu:** _Jack I need you to calm down._

 _Calm down. Calm down!?...Yeah you're probably right I should calm down, give me a second._

I took a deep breath, it calmed me down tremendously but my mind was still running high off panic.

 **Message from Cthulhu:** _I want you to go to the bedroom and sit down. I...need some time to figure out a way to break you some...bad news._

I heard the desperate tone in his voice.

 _Cthulhu, when you get your thoughts together, give it to me straight. No beating around the bush, no bullshit, got it?_

The room was completely silent for a few seconds until Cthulhu finally gave me an answer.

 **Message from Cthulhu:** _Okay._

 _Thank you._

I walked back into the bedroom, Aqua and Luna were sleeping peacefully in the queen size bed.

A small smile graced my lips as I observed the relaxing and beautiful scene.

I walked over to the small work desk next to the bed and sat in the chair, leaning into it pensively. Sighing, I looked back at all the crazy shit that's happened so far.

I got the **Eldritch Gamer** , got sent to KonoSuba - my eyes moved to the sleeping forms of Luna and Aqua - and got into a threesome with two girls I've barely known for a _day_.

I would have prefered to get to know them for at least a few weeks before we did anything like... _this_.

No wonder mom said to stay away from alcohol!

I'll stick to _anything_ but that horrid wine.

 **Being transported to the Mindfuck Eldritch Council of Doom.**

...Are you fucking with me right now? _That's_ what Cthulhu named his personal Velvet Room!

Now that I think about it, I'm part of that council too.

I've got the perfect line for whenever the Necronomicon lets me mindfuck things!

" _Doctor Jackie recommends mindfucking!"_

 **Consciousness will be transported in 10 seconds.**

Sighing, I leaned back into the chair and looked up at the ceiling.

 **10.**

 **9.**

Can we hurry this up?

 **..**

Huh, ask and you shall receive.

The world around faded to black.

 **Linebreak**

My eyes snapped open.

The Velvet Room was different this time around. Instead of it being an exact replica from the Velvet Room from Persona 3 it was a black void. I was still sitting down in a _very_ comfortable chair in front of a large table, draped in velvet blue cloth. Despite being in complete darkness, the table and chair emitted a blue light from them, allowing me to see the others sitting at the table.

I saw Cthulhu sitting across from me, still wearing his Slenderman cosplay.

"In all honesty, you weren't supposed to be here until you finished the tutorial world." the Great Old One sitting across from me said.

I stood up from my chair and walked over to Cthulhu, passing Dante, Eddie, and Lenka.

"Haven't you heard?" I asked "No plan survives contact with the enemy."

"All too true." Cthulhu said.

"Don't flatter yourself Cthulhu, you were never good at planning things." said a new, but beautiful voice that was _right next to me_.

I moved my head slowly to the right.

She had long gorgeous ankle length dark green hair, deep ocean blue eyes, luscious lips, and peach complexion. She had slender legs, a remarkably large bust, and a well curvy figure. She wore a low cut form fitting green dress that displayed a vine pattern on it, the skirt of the dress went down to her ankles and was split at the right side, showing off her legs a bit.

I'll be honest here, she was Highschool DxD levels of drop dead gorgeous.

Dante, Alucard, Lenka, Eddie, Ragna, Zelretch and Geralt all had their jaws _dropped_ at the sheer beauty of the woman standing before us.

Above her head show her name, title, and level.

 **Goddess and Will of Earth**

 **LV ? Gaia**

I raised an eyebrow at that.

"My eyes are down here young man." she said.

My eyes shifted to her large breast.

I put my hand on my chin, my brows furrowed as if I was thinking hard about something.

"Are they? Are they really?" I asked in a fake confused tone.

"You're doing this on purpose aren't you?" Gaia said in a flat tone.

I brought my eyes to look into her beautiful blue eyes.

"Guilty as charged." I said with no shame.

Gaia sighed as she walked up to me and hugged me tightly, her chest squished against mine as she rested her head in the crook of my neck.

I was honestly surprised by the act and felt the heat in my face rise.

Why did I blush when I already had a threesome the other night?

I was drunk, that's why.

Once I regained my composure, I hugged her back.

Then I noticed that the hug was lasting _a lot_ longer than I expected.

"Um, Gaia-"

"Shut up Jack, this is the first time I've ever had a physical body and you are _not_ ruining this for me!"

"Okay, okay."

I looked over to the table to see everyone besides Nyarlathotep and Cthulhu shocked.

"Fine, I ask the question." Dante stated. "Who the hell is this!?"

I turned to Nyarlathotep and Cthulhu.

"You want me to tell them." they nodded. "Ah, alright, this is Gaia."

"WHAT!?" shouted Zelretch.

"Hold up Zelretch, I don't think this is _that_ Gaia." I said.

"Oh, I _am_ from his world." Gaia said gleefully.

I paused, Zelretch and I looked fearfully at the woman I was hugging.

I turned to Cthulhu.

"Are you for real right now!?" I almost yelled. "She _hates_ humanity!"

"Well while that's true," I cringed at her casually admitting that. "You're not human anymore, and anyone here that _is_ human isn't a part of Alaya nor are they _my_ responsibility."

Zelretch and I looked at each other, shocked, and then looked back to Gaia.

"Oh." the two of us said simply.

"I _do_ hate the Crimson Moon though." Gaia said. "Fucker thought that he could get away with throwing a fucking _moon_ at me and thought I wouldn't have been pissed. Try reviving yourself now that I've programed Primate Murder to stop any possible attempts for you to come back."

"So you gave Cthulhu a copy of the Gamer ability?" I asked the Will of Earth.

"Yes, now as to how I even _know_ of the Gamer ability, think of Zelretch's kaleidoscope and how he uses it to go through the multiverse and come in contact with other versions of himself."

I nodded.

"I myself can contacted other versions of myself throughout the multiverse as well, but only through advanced forms of telepathy which allow us to see from each other's perspective."

"Interesting." Zelretch said.

"And _highly_ contrived." I added.

"That too."

I turned to Gaia who was still hugging me.

"Alright, it's time to let go." I said.

She looked up at me and pouted adorably.

" _Fine_." she said.

Gaia let go of me, but before I could even move she closed in once again and grabbed me by the back of my head; pulling me closer to her face, it happened too quickly, by the time I realized what was happening we were already engaged in a deep kiss.

Well at least I was _sober_ for this.

"GOD DAMNIT!" I heard Dante shout, as he banged the table with his fist. "Why does _he_ get all the hot chicks!?"

 _ **Ding!**_

 **New skill made!**

 **[Kissing] (Passive)** LV 32, EXP [49%]. This is quite obviously your ability to kiss someone. As the skill EXP increases you will become a better kisser. Now go out there and turn some poor girl's brain into mush by teaching them the art of French kissing!

My mind was blank as Gaia explored my mouth with her tongue. She pulled back, a string of saliva connecting us.

"W-Wha...?" was all I could get out in my dazed state.

"Jack, while the Gaia of Jee-Han's world thinks of him as a son, what _I think of_ _you_ , is completely different." Gaia said with a mischievous smile.

"Gaia, I used to be _human_!"

"Jack," Gaia looked me right in the eyes. "I don't give a fuck. You're not a part of Alaya, you produce your own mana, you're _my_ champion, and I'm very, _very_ lonely. Let me have this."

I looked blankly at Gaia who still had her arms wrapped around my neck, sighing as I hung my head down, I looked to Nyarlathotep. She had a downright angelic smile on her face.

"She can join the harem, but I'm going to break you." the outer god said, still smiling.

"What!?" I yelled in horror.

"Like a Kit Kat bar."

"...What!?" I shouted in confusion.

"Don't worry kid, me and Zelretch just got a metric fuck ton of viagra for your bitch ass." I heard Dante say.

My head snapped to Dante and Zelretch, who just so happened to be leaning on a fucking huge box labeled in black bold letters.

 **Viagra for the poor low level scrublord!**

"What!" I shouted with extreme saltiness.

"What country you from?" Dante asked.

"What?"

"What ain't no country I ever heard of. Do they speak English in what?"

"What?"

"English mother fucker, do you speak it!?"

"What?"

"Say what again! Say _what_ again! I dare you, I double dare you mother fucker! Say _what_ one more goddamn time!"

I looked at Dante blankly for a few seconds.

Then very quickly, a shit eating grin made it's way onto my face.

"What, what, what, what, what, what, what, what...in the butt."

Dante looked at me blankly for a few good seconds.

"Fuck it, you win this round." he said begrudgingly.

Gaia removed her hold on me and walked to Nyarlathotep.

My head turned to Cthulhu.

"Alright Slenderthulhu, lay it on me, what in the fuck is going on?"

Cthulhu sighed, his head turned, looking at everyone in the room and stopped when he turned to me.

"What I'm about to reveal involves _everyone_ in this room." the Great Old One announced, his voice stone cold and serious.

Those sitting on the table leaned in closer as to not miss a word Cthulhu was going to say.

"Time on the entirety of the multiverse has been reversed, because Azathoth was almost awakened."

My eyes widened when his sentence finally sunk in.

Everyone sitting on the table besides Nyarlathotep looked confused as to who Azathoth was.

Azathoth is the father of Nyarlathotep, the Nuclear Chaos, the creator of existence itself.

The Blind Idiot God, who is oblivious to what he has created due to his everlasting dreaming.

If he was to ever awaken from his sleep there would be no more worlds, no more gods, everything would literally cease to exist.

This means something happened to the lesser deity that continuously lulls the Outer God to sleep with it's music.

"What in the fuck _happened_ that woke up _Azathoth_ of all things?" I asked growing increasingly distressed.

"In a particular version of the TYPE-MOON universe, Kirei Kotomine got his hands on the omnipotent wish granting device, the Holy Grail. His wish was for all of existence to end." Cthulhu said grimly. "Angra Mainyu also known as Avenger whose spirit corrupts the grail's power granted his wish in the most destructive way possible. It burned all of existence in fire. None of the Outer Gods could stop the flames of destruction that the Angra Mainyu brought, the best anyone could do was slow it down."

Everyone, myself included, had a looking of utter shock on their face.

Nyarlathotep began explaining the rest of the situation.

"It got so desperate that my siblings, Nameless Mist and Darkness, had asked me to help them reverse time to stop the wish before it happened. Unfortunately, thanks to the grail being truly omnipotent, the wish transcends time and space, meaning that no matter what happened the wish _will_ follow through even if Kirei is killed before he can make the wish. The only way to stop it is to completely destroy the grail; we dubbed the... _incident_ the Event Horizon."

Zelretch started to look a bit uncomfortable in his seat.

His eyes seemed to lose the light in them, and any mischievousness that seemed to radiate off of him was gone.

"Is this grail from my specific universe?" asked the Wizard Marshall.

The room was silent for a few seconds until Cthulhu finally spoke up.

"Yes." he said simply.

Zelretch grit his teeth in frustration and his hands clentched in the fist so tightly that his knuckles popped audibly.

"Okay, we know, what's happened, but why can't the kid go back home?" asked Eddie.

The lovecraft deity turned his head to me once again.

"Zachary," my eyes widened when the Old Great One used my _real_ name for the first time. "when Kirei made the wish that started the Event Horizon, it didn't start in _their_ universe."

I did _not_ like where this was going.

"It started in your's, more specifically, it started with _you_."

"After the reversion of time, the Outer Gods couldn't interfere with the Holy Grail lest they prematurely wake up Azathoth. Since the wish goes beyond space and time, the moment time was reversed the Event Horizon started right away, once again, in the _exact same spot_."

I looked at the black floor wide eyed at the revelation.

"Since we couldn't intervene with the grail or the Angra Mainyu we needed to create a singularity, but none of us knew _who_ to make that singularity. So, we gather up some of the multiverse's most, in our opinion, interesting individuals to help us decide who would be the singularity. Everyone chosen failed our little interview, except for you; we had to repair your soul almost completely from scratch, good thing your memories were still left, or else we wouldn't be even having this conversation."

"Then the Event Horizon happening _right now_! What's keeping it from spreading and burning away the rest of the multiverse _again_!?" I asked, panicked.

"To stop the Event Horizon from spreading, most of the Outer Gods used their power to help trap it in the first universe it appeared." Cthulhu looked at me somberly. "I'm sorry Zachary, I truly am, but there's no home for you to go back to."

It all hit me like a ton of bricks.

My family, my friends, everyone I know and care about, everyone I've meet.

All _dead_.

Gone.

No way to save them.

No way to bring them back.

I'll never see them again.

Suddenly, memories rushed into my head.

The unbearable pain, the fire, the whispers mankind's evils in my head, the sight of everything around me burning as I did, and then the feeling of wasting away.

No...no, no, no, no, No. No. No. No. NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! **NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!**

This can't be happening! This can't be happening! This can't be happening! This can't be happening! This can't be happening! This can't be happening! This can't be happening! This can't be happening!

The feeling of a hand on my shoulder snapped me out of my panic.

I noticed that I had fallen to my knees and was hyperventilating, tears run down my face while I griped the sides of my head.

Nyarlathotep and Zelretch were by my sides, they helped me up to my feet and walked me to an empty chair.

I sat there, tears continuously pouring from my eyes.

I didn't feel the need to wipe them away, I wasn't as pathetic as to hide my sorrow.

Through my blurred vision I was able to see the reactions of those in the room affected by the revelation of the Event Horizon.

Gaia and Lenka had similar expressions of shock on their faces.

Dante had his head hung down, his hair shadowing his eyes.

Geralt had his hands together and a frown etched into his face.

Alucard grit his teeth, his pearly white fangs gleamed with deadly intent.

Ragna clenched his hands into fist so hard that his arms started shaking.

Zelretch held his head in his hands.

My mind replayed the constant whispers all of mankind's evils as I burned.

 **MURDER**

 **RAPE**

 **BLOODSHED**

 **BETRYAL**

 **WAR**

 **DESTRUCTION**

 **MASSACRE**

 **SCORN**

 **HATE**

 **Every Violence! Every Victim! Every Crime! Every Criminal!**

 **Atone For Everything!**

 **Die...**

 **Die. Die. Die.**

 **DIE!DIE!DIE!DIE!DIE!IE!DIE!DIE!DIE!DIE!DIE!DIE!DIE!DIE!DIE!DIE!DIE!DIE!**

I felt _all_ of it's hate, every act of violence that has been committed and would have been committed.

 _Every single crime of humanity._

I grit my teeth in rage.

"How long do we have until the Event Horizon starts again?" I said in an eerily calm voice.

"Enough for you to take your time getting stronger, after you're done here, I'm sending you to Fuyuki City."

"Good."

"What's the plan kid?" Asked Dante.

"I'm going to give Kirei Kotomine and Angra Mainyu a taste of their own medicine."

"And what do you have in mind?" Alucard inquired.

"I'm going to enjoy watching them _**BURN!**_ " I said through my girt teeth with as much hatred as possible.

 **Chapter 5 END**


	6. Oh Bobbily Boo

**Chapter 6: Oh Bobbily Boo**

 _Status._ I thought as I walked down the street. It was very early in the morning, and the sun was just starting to rise. People were just getting up to start their day; usually I would be sleeping in since it was summer before I got here. But after what I had learned, I needed something to clear my head. Being a constant brooding emo wasn't going to solve anything, leave that to Sasuke.

Nyarlathotep gifted me a black suit, with a white undershirt, a black tie, and black steel-toed boots. I wore the duster unbuttoned.

In all honesty, I looked really damn good.

I left a note for Luna and Aqua so they know I would be back soon.

 **Name:** Jack Gehrman **Toad Slayer**

 **Occupation:** The Eldritch Gamer

 **LV:** 8

 **EXP:** 67%

 **HP:** 235/235

 **MP:** 210/210

 **Strength:** 25

 **Vitality:** 18

 **Dexterity:** 14

 **Intelligence:** 19

 **Wisdom:** 9

 **Luck:** 9

 **Point(s):** 0

 **Eris:** 297,000

But speaking of Naruto, I haven't messed around with my inner energy yet, mana.

Welp, time to start fucking with my own mana!

Wait, that sounded wrong.

 **Message from Nyarlathotep:** _Sounded right to me!~_

 _Knowing you, you'd probably have me turn my dick into a Impov viabrator._

 **Message from Nyarlathotep:** _Oh, you have_ _ **no**_ _idea, but thanks your the suggestion, I'll have to catalog that one down!_

Dear God, what have I done? I'm giving her ideas!

Wait! This could work in my favor, I just need to get enough skills to raise up my endurance, Dante and Zelretch already have me covered with the viagra and redbull. Dante actually bought the red bull for himself but I stole it. I figured I needed it more.

 **Message from Dante:** WAIT, _YOU DID WHAT!?_

 _It's in my_ _ **Inventory**_ _now bitch!_

 **Message from Dante:** _You know Jack, one of these days you're gonna push me to far…_

 _If you're going to be like that, I'll take your pizza next._

 **Message from Dante:** _Whoa. Let's not get crazy now, you're still at a low enough level that I can kill you._

 _And I'm sure Nyarlathotep would even consider letting you get close._

 **Message from Nyarlathotep:** _He's right you know, your ass is grass and I am the law_ _ **and**_ _the lawnmower._

 **Message from Dante:** _Eh, I'd just buy you a pizza. It'd be fine._

 **Message from Nyarlathotep:** _Tempting, but as the second most powerful being in existence, I must decline._

 **Message from Dante:** _WHAT MANNER OF CREATURE ARE YOU!? HOW CAN YOU RESIST THE POWER OF PIZZA!?_

 _Dude, calm your tits and rest your breasts, before she shreks your pecs. Not everyone can eat pizza everyday along with ice cream sundays and beer, and stay as ripped as you are. Jeebus Christ it gets annoying having all you people in my head at once._

 **Message from Dante:** _Waddaya mean "You people?"_

 _ ***Silence***_

 **Message from Dante:** _I can't believe I finally got to say that!_

 **Message from Cthulhu:** _Really?...REALLY!?_

 **Message from Ragna:** _Why this…_

 **Message from Alucard:** _Dante, Please._ _There are children here._

 **Message from Dante:** _You mean like Lenka?_

 **Message from Lenka:** _Kill yourself, Dante. Kill yourself._

 **Message from Dante:** _I don't understand why you all constantly have to roast me like this…_

 _Well you did throw shade at Lenka first. And as far as irritating voice chats go, this is what I'm talking about. Hey Cthulhu, can I have a mute function?_

 **Message from Cthulhu:** _Denied! For entertainment value, YOUR LIFE IS MY SITCOM!_

 _...What?_

 **Message from Cthulhu:** _See, I look through the lives of characters like Dante, Ragna, Alucard, etc. for badass anime fight scenes. I look through yours as a sitcom!_

 _My universe just got blown to smither- y'know what? Never mind, I see your point._

 **Message from Geralt:** _So Jack, what's today's plan, going to grind for levels on the frogs?_

 **Message from Eddie:** _Or, are you finally going to level up the guitar playing skill?_

 _Neither, I'm going to mess around with the system, see what I can find. But first, time to try using mana for the first time._

 **Message from Gaia:** _Good choice. Now, I know you've seen enough anime to know how to unlock it, give it a shot dear._

As I walked with my hands in my pockets, I cleared my head, and looked deep inside my body for anything I could find. Soon enough, I found what appeared to be a blue light. I imagined myself grabbing the light, the blue light in my imaginary hand started to build up in intensity, and once the light was too bright to look at I opened up my hand. My eyes snapped open to find myself engulfed in a translucent blue wispy aura. It felt as if the aura was a part of me, as if it were a muscle that was always part of my body. So, naturally, I tried moving it. The mana condensed until it was covering both of my arms.

 _ **Ding!**_

 **New skill acquired!**

 **[Mana Manipulation] (Passive)** LV 1, EXP [0%] This is your aptitude for mana manipulation. As the skill EXP increases, you will be better able to reach inside yourself and grab hold of your inner essence and pull things out of you that you never knew you had. And before you ask, yes, I am an aduuuuuuult! Ability to manipulate mana goes up by 12%

Who wrote these skill descriptions, anyway!? These are fantastical, fabulous, and only slightly flippant.

 **Message from Nyarlathotep:** _I'm urgin' for a virgin._

 _Enough with the kinky mana jokes! Seriously! Besides, I've fucked before!_

 **Message from Nyarlathotep:** _You'll be fucking again quite soon~_

 _Fuck! Fell right into that one._

 **Message from Nyarlathotep:** _You'll be falling into something else soon, if you know what I mean..._

 _Damn! Stop wrecking me so hard._

 **Message from Nyarlathotep:** _You know, I know something else that might get hard again soon..._

 _FFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUU-_

I spun around on my heel with my arms outstretched. The blue mana covering them made a beautiful blue streak as I twirled while on my merry Poppins way. I grinned as I saw what I had done.

"That was pretty cool." I said to myself.

I focused the mana onto my fingertips, I started moving them in elaborate motions as if I were a conductor for an orchestra. The streaks of blue light were just very entertaining, but this also gave way to another highly entertaining idea.

 **Gift from Nyarlathotep: Something Sexy**

 **[Black Fedora]**

I put on the fedora as I channeled my mana to my hands and feet, causing them to glow an ethereal blue color.

 **BGM: Thriller (Single Version) by Michael Jackson**

Thank you, whoever played this. THANK! YOU!

 **Message from Zelretch:** _You're welcome. Now, entertain me!_

 _With pleasure!_

I walked with a slight bounce in my step. Quickly, I crossed my right leg with my left while standing and held my arms to the right. I turned around while kicking off my right foot, keeping it just above the ground and close to my left foot while spinning three times in succession. I stopped spinning by firmly placing my right foot on the ground. My arms out stretched with my head down, just enough for my fedora to shadow my eyes. I snapped my fingers, causing a stunning blue burst of mana.

 _ **Ding!**_

 **New skill acquired!**

 **[Dancing] (Passive)** LV 1, EXP [0%]. This is your ability to unleash your funky freshness. As skill EXP increases, you will be able to show the _true_ powers of 40,000 years of pure funk! Ability to dance goes up by 10%

 **Message from Dante:** _Dayumn son, just...damn._

 **Message from Ragna:** _I wonder if I could pull that off with the Azure?_

Once I _really_ started to get into the groove I began to perform the Thriller zombie dance. Many adventures witnessed me going down the street dancing as my wispy mana danced along with me. As I danced I saw their faces, they ranged from impressed to straight up WTF. Eventually some of them actually joined me in the dance, copying what I was doing. This kept going until a total of _thirty_ people joined in an early morning dance routine of pure awesome.

"Cause this is thriller, thriller night!" I sang.

 _ **Ding!**_

 **New skill acquired!**

 **[Singing] (Passive)** LV 1, EXP [0%]. This is your ability to sing. As the skill EXP increases, you will be able to make even Simon Cowell admit your vocal prowess. Tone control and vocal control go up by 10%

"And no one's gonna save you from the beast about to strike."

The group of adventurers and I kept dancing across the street as my [ **Mana Manipulation]** , [ **Dancing]** , and **[Singing]** skills leveled up rapidly. We passed an elderly couple walking down the street who looked at us strangely.

The old man looked at his wife. "Honey, did you put anything funny in my water?"

"No, dearie, just the _tip_..." the old man's wife said, smiling sweetly.

As we danced I noticed a certain accessory shop in the distance, a familiar woman was opening the door. Most likely to set up shop for the day.

She was a beautiful, well-endowed young woman with fair skin. She had brown eyes and brown straight reaching down to the front of her shoulder and further behind her back, slightly curling at the tips. Her fringe covering her right eyes, a massive ahoge atop her head. She wore a purple dress with a dark purple cloak over it.

This is Wiz.

Her head was tilted to the side adorably.

I wonder what's on her mind.

* * *

 **What's on Wiz's mind.**

What in the world is going on?

I feel like I've been left out of a really funny joke.

* * *

I moonwalked over to Wiz's shop after the crowd dispersed. Once there, I performed the iconic Michael Jackson spin with my left in my pocket, I spined five times before I stopped using my right foot. I raised up my right hand, snapping my fingers, causing one more burst mana before I turned the skill off. I looked at Wiz and tipped my hat and winked at her.

 **BGM End**

Her face lit up like a Christmas tree and she started stuttering like crazy. It was in this moment that I realized - my life is now a music video.

 **Message from Dante:** _ ***Silently Triggered***_

All according to keikaku.

 **Message from Lenka:** _It's not really silent if you literally type it out you know._

 **Message from Dante:** _Just let me have this…_

Mmmmm...Dante, your anguish, it sustains me.

"Hi ma'am, my name is Jack, what's yours?" I asked.

"I-I'm Wiz." she said shyly. "U-Um, if you don't mind me asking, what was with the dancing a moment ago?"

I started rubbing the back of my head in accordance with generic anime rule number 54 and grinned broadly. "I kind of just unlocked my mana and had the brilliant idea to start dancing with it, covering my hands and feet to make a cool effect."

"Unlocked your mana?" she asked, confused.

"Um, yeah." I raised my hand up and channeled my mana through it, covering it in a wispy blue aura once more.

Wiz looked at my hand in wonder. "I've never seen mana manifest itself like that before."

"Really?"

"Mana is an invisible force inside a person that is drawn out by their will to be used for skills. Never have I seen someone draw out their mana in the way you have, much less visibly."

"So, I'm one of a kind?"

"Y-Yes, very much so, I've never seen anything like it."

Must be because the **[Eldritch Gamer]** gives me a different magic system than the world I'm currently in.

I noticed that she was carrying a large box of books.

"You need help with that?" I asked.

"Oh, u-um, it's fine, I don't want to be a bother." the lich said shyly.

"It's no problem at all," I said cheerfully.

Wiz still looked unsure. "Are you sure?"

"Positive." I said, smiling.

"Alright then..."

I held my arms out as Wiz placed the large books of books in my arms.

You know those times where think you've got this, but in reality you're fucked?

This was one of those times.

Jesus buttfucking Christ these books were _heavy_! What were these things made of, ten tons of pure steel!? I _barely_ keeping myself from dropping the box.

"U-Um, are you okay?" Wiz asked concerned.

"Oh, don't worry, I'm fine." I smiled, doing everything in my power keep my arms attached and my face neutral.

 **Message from Dante:** _Lift with your legs you little shit! Hahahahahahahahaha! 'Bout time something like this happened!_

 _Drink bleach, Dante..._

I silently sighed as Wiz got out her keys to open the shop.

 _So, Lenka, how does it feel to use a giant car sized sword that's also a gun and a monster?_

 **Message from Lenka:** _...I never thought of it that way._

 _It sounds fucking ridiculous doesn't it?_

 **Message from Lenka:** _Extremely. But, now that I think about it, it's really damn cool._

 _I want a God Arc, it would be so awesome._

 **Message from Eddie:** _Dude, you are a fucking champ right now. How are you still holding that heavy ass box?_

 _No idea, but I'm dying on the inside every second I have to hold this thing up. Aren't I such a chivalrous bastard!?_

 **Message from Zelretch:** _Define "chivalrous."_

 _Fine,_ _ **semi**_ _-chivalrous._

 **Message from Cthulhu:** _Focus, maggot! She just opened up the door, move that ass!_

Wait, what?

"Um, Jack, the door's open now." I heard Wiz say.

"A-Ah, sorry zoned out there for a second." I said, smiling sheepishly.

"I-It's alright." she said blushing.

 **Message from Dante:** _THAT'S IT! NEXT TIME YOU GET HERE YOU'RE FUCKING TEACHING ME HOW TO DO THIS!_

 _Sure._

 **Message from Dante:** _Wait, really!?_

 _Yeah, were you expecting me to say no?_

 **Message from Dante:** _Well, kind of, I had the chloroform ready and everything._

 _Were you planning a God damned kidnapping!?_

 **Message from Dante:** _What? Nyarlathotep was cool with it._

 _The fuck Nyarlathotep!?_

 **Message from Nyarlathotep:** _He promised that I could have you after you taught him. Also you know that you can just call me Nyaruko right?_

 _God damnit_ Nyaruko, _you're gonna break my dick!_

 **Message from Nyarlathotep:** _And I'll record the_ _ **whole**_ _thing!_

My eye twitched slightly as I walked forward into the shop. It was your typical medieval fantasy shop, the only difference was that _everything_ in the shop was endgame grade equipment, with the prices ranging from millions to billions!

 **Message from Dante:** _Holy shit, just_ _ **one**_ _piece of equipment here is worth more than my debt!_

 _In the words of Rodin: You deadbeat motherfucker._

 **Message from Dante:** _God damnit! You know about The Gates of Hell too!?_

"So, where do you want me to put this?" I asked Wiz.

"Ah, just behind the counter if you would." she answered.

"Got it."

I started to lower the box down after staggering over to the counter.

 _Don't break the floor don't break the floor don't break the floor don't break the floor don't_

 _break the floor don't break the floor don't break the floor..._

 **Message from Dante:** _BREAK IT! BREAK IT! BREAK IT! BREAK IT! ABSOLUTELY BREAK IT!_

 _Not helping!_

I slowly set the box on the floor.

"You're a lot stronger than you look Wiz." I said giving her a lopsided grin.

"T-Thank you!" she said, giving me a beaming smile. "I don't mean to pry but, did you come the Axel recently, I don't think I've ever seen you around here before."

"Ah, I came to the town yesterday with a friend." I said, I started cracking my neck. "We became adventures at the Adventurer's Guild the same day."

"Really, what class did you pick?"

"I chose swordsman."

Wiz looked at me perplexed. "Swordsman? Excuse my critique, but you don't look the part." her face quickly grew red with embarrassment. "I'M SORRY! I DIDN'T MEAN TO OFFEND YOU!"

I raised my arms in the air as if surrendering. "U-Um, don't worry, I don't take offense to it at all."

Wiz looked as if she was about to cry. "R-Really?"

I smiled warmly. "Really, really."

"But, why aren't you wearing any armour? And where's your sword?"

"I don't wear any armour because I prefer speed over defense. Why take a hit when I can avoid it all together?" And I play a lot of Bloodborne, I tightened my tie. "That, and I believe in looking classy."

She nodded.

"As for where I keep my sword," I opened up my inventory and took out my sword and rested it on my shoulder. "I've got it on me at all times."

Wiz looked at me with a dumbstruck expression. " _How_?"

"Infinite space pocket dimension." I said simply.

" _Infinite!?_ "

"Yup!"

Wiz's jaw was dropped, she must be calling hacks so damn hard right now.

 **Message from Geralt:** _Wouldn't blame her, do you_ _ **know**_ _how useful that would be for all the potions I have!?_

 _Sounds like a personal problem._

Wiz sighed and rubbed her forehead. "We've been getting all sorts of strange new adventurers recently."

"Really?"

"Yeah, the last foreigner that came here had some kind of cursed sword called Gram. I believe his name was Mitsurugi Kyouya, the guy became the town's ace in a matter of days."

I hummed in acknowledgement.

Ah, yes, Mitsurugi Kyouya, _that_ prick.

 **Message from Ragna:** _What's got you all worked up?_

 _That prick Mitsurugi Kyouya, in the original version of this world, started shit with Kazuma without knowing the situation and challenged him to a duel._

 **Message from Ragna:** _What's wrong with that?_

 _He challenged a novice adventurer, who had no chance in hell of beating him if he wasn't able to make damn good use of the thief skill: Steal. Worst part is, the ass never had to work for his power, it was just handed to him and he acts so high and mighty because of it._

 **Message from Ragna:** _Wow, Mitsurugi sounds like a real tool._

 _Will you help me drown him the pool, if he challenges me to a duel?_

 **Message from Ragna:** _That would be cool._

 _Hang him by a stool?_

 **Message from Cthulhu:** _Cut that shit out, boy, you're embarrassing me._

 _Damnit, now we lost the rhythm! Now I look like a fool!_

I took off my fedora and let it hang on my index finger about a foot away from my face. I smirked, and winked at Wiz.

"So, do I look like a swordsman _now_?"

 **Message from Gaia:** _Mama Gaia like. ;)_

I had a feeling that she nearly fainted due to how much blood just rushed to her head. "Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Yes!"

 **Message from Dante:** _Seriously kid, where on Earth did you learn how to do this!?_

 _From you._

 **Message from Dante:** _...What?_

 _Dante, you are one of the most badass motherfuckers I have ever seen. Your stylish combo rank is at a permanent SSS. I hold you in high regard as one of the most respected people in video games, and greatly respect you personally as well._

 **Message from Dante:** _Wait, really!? Than what was with all of the roasting?_

 _Dude, I just like fucking with people._

 **Message from Dante:** _From what you did with Luna and Aqua, I can imagine. I'm still going to find ways to troll you._

 _And I'm still going to get laid more than you ever will._

"So, Wiz, I'll catch you around." I said, waving goodbye as I left the shop.

"See you later Jack." she said as I walked out.

On the way back to the inn I bought some food from a merchant. I _still_ hadn't eaten anything in the last two days, I would not be denied a meal now! Well, it was all fruit, but beggars can't be choosers.

I opened up the door to our inn room, Aqua and Luna were still sleeping. I pulled out the chair by the small desk and sat down, I took the bag of fruit I bought from my inventory, and started eating a rather large apple. After a while I got drowsy and fell asleep on the desk with my head in my arms.

I woke up to someone shaking me.

"Come on Jack, wake up already!" I heard Aqua yell.

I yawned and rubbed the sleep out of my eyes. "I'm up, I'm up." I looked around the room, but I didn't see Luna anywhere. "Where's Luna?"

"Luna said that she had work today, gave you a kiss goodbye, ate some of the fruit and left." Aqua explained nonchalantly, she used the bed blanket to cover up her body.

Goodbye kiss, really now?

 **Gift from Cthulhu: Yes Really**

 **[Small Mirror]**

I pulled out the mirror from my inventory. It was small, rectangular, and didn't have any sort of frame around it. I looked at myself through the mirror to find a lipstick kiss mark on my check.

"How are you able to do that?" I heard Aqua asked. "You were supposed to be nothing but a normal human being."

I contemplated the consequences of telling the water goddess before me of my abilities as a Gamer.

Eh, fuck the consequences.

"Well Aqua, make yourself comfortable, because it's about time I told you how I became the **[Eldritch Gamer]**."

 **Message from Dante:** _Roll credits!_

Wait, What!?

No!

 **Chapter End.**

 **Review Responses.**

 **All about party and crazy: I know right, but the story needed direction.**

 **oneddtodd: I will keep up all of the good work.**

 **kumbrakarna: Don't stop me now! I'm having such a good time. I'm having ball!**

 **Analyn Rockwand: One day, but not today.**

 **puppy13: You just got more son!**

 **Guest: I don't understand your question, if you're asking what world I'm in, I'm in Konosuba.**

 **MysticSpider: TFS FTW!**

 **HatedGrimm: If only I had your reading speed…**

 **Saint of vice koncor: It's fun writing this story!**

 **LordDesolation: I have.**


	7. Hail to The Prince

**Firstly off, I'm not sorry for the wait. If you've even spent, at minimum, three seconds glancing at my profile, you know I have absolutely** _ **NO**_ **writing schedule. Sometimes I write only one sentence a day.**

 **But either way, your wait is over!**

 **OVER!**

 **IT'S ALL OGRE NOW!**

 **Have fun with this chapter, and don't forget to review, or else I'll kill all ya'll!**

 **Chapter 7: Hail to The Prince**

Fucking Dante, rolling the credits before I was ready. Eh, I've roasted him to a crisp, I need a new target. I'll deal with that later.

Aqua looked at me in shock, her mouth slightly agape.

Not that I could blame her, I mean really, I just told her one of the most ridiculous things I have ever heard, and it was coming out of _my_ mouth.

"So, let me get this straight…" Aqua began. "The entire multiverse is coming to an end."

"Yup." I confirmed.

"And you were chosen by Cthulhu, and a merry band of fictional characters, to save it."

"Mmmmhmmm. Yeah, he notified me by nuking me."

"And he gave you a power called 'The Eldritch Gamer' which has the potential to basically make you a god among gods."

"Yes, like I didn't just get done explaining this!"

 **Message from Cthulhu:** _Hey, remember that one time I fucking killed you?_

 _Yeah. Solo ult much?_

 **Message from Cthulhu:** _It's not solo ulting if you can do it as much as you want._

 **Message from Gaia:** _Cthulhu it's okay to be a bitch, but you don't have to be such a bitch about it. On another note, Nyarlathotep and I are going to be away for a bit._

 **Message from Nyarlathotep:** _Peace!_

Y'know when you don't understand something so your eyes just start floating everywhere? I was doing that.

 _I have several questions._

Aqua looked at me incredulously. "That is by far the most stupid thing I've _ever_ heard in my life."

I sighed, let's test out a certain feature of the Gamer system I've wanted to try.

"Add Aqua to party." I said in a monotone voice. You see, I'd pictured saying those words, but I never really thought I'd _have_ to.

I smirked at Aqua's shock when she saw the black holographic screen with red writing appear in front of her.

 **Player Jack has invited Aqua to Party.**

 **[Yes] [No]**

"Wha..." Aqua sounded in shock.

I had a particularly smug look on my face. "You were saying."

"B-But...that's…?"

"Just press **[Yes]** woman." She was going to hate me for this later but I didn't care.

Aqua raised her arm and pressed **[Yes]** in a rather mechanical fashion.

 _ **Ding!**_

 _ **Aqua has now join your Party!**_

 **Message from Alucard:** _FRESH MEAT!_

"Eep!" Aqua yelled with a start at the sudden voice.

All of a sudden I felt this overwhelming urge...it could only mean one thing.

 _Hey Alucard, Salem, Massachusetts called! They want their hat back!_

 **Message from Alucard:** _Ugh. He's got a new target._

 **Message from Dante:** _Finally! How's it feel, ya fucking twat!?_

 _Yeah, I have to stop you from being creepy to the new girl somehow. Also, it's coming to everyone, just wait your turn._

"So, you were telling the truth?" Aqua said in a shaky voice.

 **Message from Dante:** _No, of course not, he got that off of Cards Against Humanity._

Aqua gained a confused look. "What's Cards Against Humanity?"

 **Message from Dante:** _Never mind, we need a kick button._

"Wait, wait! Don't kick me! I'm a goddess you know! I'm supposed to be praised! I just got into the chat, how am I supposed to know all the rules!?"

 **Message from Dante:** _What rules? I didn't know there were rules. Cthulhu, what are the rules?_

 **Message from Cthulhu:**

 _1) Roasting of Cthulhu is not allowed_

 _2) Skate fast eat ass_

 _3) Smoke weed everyday_

 _4) Cocaine all over the walls_

 _5) THICC thighs save lives_

 _6) Fuck you (unless you're Cthulhu)_

 _7) ?_

 _8) Profit_

 _Cthulhu, I think you've forgotten about the time where I called you the origin of all tentacle hentai._

 **Message from Cthulhu:** _Oh yeah, lemme fix that!_

 _ ***Zap!***_

I collapsed on the wooden floor in pain due to being electrocuted by an unseen force.

Silver lining, new skill!

 _ ***Ding!***_

 **New Skill Acquired**

 **[Physical Endurance](Passive)** LV 12, EXP [98%]. This is your body's durability, so if you're into masochism it's great for you! If you're not, then powerleveling this ability will not be a good experience. As skill EXP increases you will be able to better endure the entire Michael Bay Transformers Series...At once. Literally, like on different screens all playing at the same time. Damage taken decreases by 15%

 _Who writes these? The Wendy's twitter?_

 **Message from Cthulhu:** _How'd you know?_

I sniffed the air when I stood back up.

"Am I smoking!?" I yelled. "Don't answer that."

 **Message from Cthulhu:** _How you like me now, bitch?_

"Fuck you!"

 **Message from Cthulhu:** _Rule number 6, beyotch._

 _ ***Zap!***_

I collapsed onto the floor once more as electricity surged through my body.

 _ ***Ding***_

 **Skill Level Up!**

 **[Physical Endurance](Passive)** LV 16, EXP [98%]. This is your body's durability, so if you're into masochism it's great for you! If you're not, then powerleveling this ability will not be a good experience. As skill EXP increases you will be able to better endure the entire Michael Bay Transformers Series...At once. Literally, like on different screens all playing at the same time. Damage taken decreases by 15%

 **WARNING!**

 **HP IS LOW**

 **[10/235]**

 **Message from Cthulhu:** _Shit! I may have taken that a bit too far._

 **Message from Ragna:** _A BIT! Dumbass you nearly killed him!_

 **Message from Lenka:** _Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit! I need an adult! I need an adult! I NEED AN ADULT!_

 _ ***Slap!***_

 **Message from Lenka:** _Ow!_

 **Message from Dante:** _Stay fucking calm! Stay fucking calm! STAY FUCKING CALM!_

 _ ***Slap!***_

 **Message from Dante:** _The fuck Alucard!_

 **Message from Alucard:** _You both need to calm the fuck down._

 **Message from Geralt:** _You still conscious there kid?_

I let out a groan of pain.

"Fuck you, Cthulhu!" I said with the floorboards muffling my voice

 **Message from Cthulhu:** _I'll let that one slide. Does anyone have a healing potion?_

 **Message from Dante:** _I don't have shit dude._

 **Message from Cthulhu:** _Well your salty tears might do…_

"Nah, I've moved on from him," I croaked.

 **Message from Cthulhu:** _Well sheeeeit, dog, we need to do something before Nyar and Gaia get back. I can hold my own against one of them but not both and not when they're in the mindset of defending senpai._

 **Message from Nyarlathotep:** _Hellooooo~, everyone we're back._

 **Message from Gaia:** _Hmmmm, what smells like smoke?_

 **Message from Cthulhu:** _My fire mixtapes, yo!_ _ ***Sweats nervously***_

 **Message from Nyarlathotep:** _Yeah now that you mention- WHAT HAPPENED TO SENPAI!?_

 **Message from Everyone except for Cthulhu, Nyarlathotep, and Gaia:** _ ***Points to Cthulhu***_ _HE DID IT!_

 **Message from Cthulhu:** _You snitchy motherfuckers…_

 **Message from from Geralt:** _Did you really expect us to take the wrath of those two for you? Really? Fuck you!_

 **Message from Cthulhu:** _You've broken rule numb-_

 _ ***Nyarlathotep slices one of his tentacles off and Gaia dropkicks him***_

 **Message from Cthulhu:** _OH GOD HELP ME!_

 _ ***Stab!***_

 **Message from Eddie:** _I understand the irony of that sentence, but fuck off._

 _ ***Buzz!***_

 **Message from Cthulhu:** _OH GOD NOT THE BEES! NOT THE BEES!_

I twitched in pain. "In the words of Genji: I need healing."

"Jack!" I heard Aqua yell as she quickly ran to my side.

I saw a blue light as the unbearable pain in my body started to disappear.

 **HP fully recovered.**

I grabbed my head as I picked myself up from the floor. I was really fucking dizzy.

"Thanks, Aqua." I said, honestly grateful.

 _ ***Assorted chainsaw ignition sounds***_

 **Message from Cthulhu:** _Gaia, why do you have a chainsaw? Why do you have_ _ **several**_ _chainsaws? W-Wait, we can talk about thi-AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!_

"No problem, Jack, but you can also call me Goddess-sama too if you'd like." she replied with an extreme amount of smugness.

"No, Aqua will do just fine. Besides, I think we're on a first name basis after what happened last night." I stated. That and no weeaboo shit.

Aqua blushed scarlet when I mentioned last night.

 **Message from Nyarlathotep:** _Choke on my vengeance! How does it taste!_

 **Message from Cthulhu:** _It's horrible!_

"Guys, as much as I enjoy this, it's getting in the way of actual dialogue. Most of what you're doing is screaming," I pointed out. "So, if you would kindly be quiet for a moment, that would be great."

 **Message from Nyarlathotep:** _Sorry about that, Sweetie. I'll mute that chat for the moment._

 _ ***Ding!***_

 _ **Group Chat has been muted.**_

"I fucking _knew_ there was a mute function!" I exclaimed.

"Are they always like this?" Aqua asked.

I shrugged. "So far, I've only known them for about two days, so I shouldn't judge too soon."

The two of us got up and sat back on the bed.

I absentmindedly noted that she still only had the bed sheet wrapped around her to protect her modesty.

"So," I began. "About what happened last night."

Aqua started fidgeting and poking her fingers together.

I was honestly surprised that she wasn't spouting shit about how I was lucky to be with a goddess or something. She was actually embarrassed about what happened.

Which meant that this was really, _really_ a sensitive subject if she was actually keeping her superiority complex on the down low.

"...that was my first time," she said, her voice barely a whisper.

My eyes widened in shock.

 _...shit._

I felt like a _huge_ asshole. I had taken her first time and we barely knew each other.

Hell, the first time I met her, I basically kidnapped her from her home!

"A-Aqua, I am so sorry." I apologized while I scratched the top of my head, it was a habit of mine whenever I got nervous or felt like shit for doing something stupid.

"It...was nice honestly." she said.

I was taken aback a bit by this. "...what?"

 _No, seriously, what the fuck!?_

Aqua sighed. "Jack, where I'm from, I'm something of a...laughingstock."

 _That does not surprise me in the least._

"Just...every turn. At every turn, I'd mess up something, or someone thought I'd mess something up. Or someone laughed in my face. Or more than one of the above at once," she said, voice starting to shake. "The other gods...they ridiculed me on a regular basis."

 _...oh._

"It got to the point that someone who even respected me even slightly became an outlet for my pain. Eris, my subordinate, received the brunt of my suffering. Because, for once, it helped me to feel like I wasn't the bottom of the food chain," Aqua continued. "So...someone finally, really, _truly_ showed me _some sign_ of affection, and I couldn't..."

She stopped for a moment to breathe in. "I couldn't say no."

 _I wouldn't have believed it was possible to feel like more of a dick thirty seconds ago. But here we are!_ I thought to myself. _Also, this girl needs_ _ **all**_ _of the hugs._ _ **All**_ _of the wholesome, non-sexual hugs._

I hugged the blue-haired goddess next to me, my mind in utter turmoil.

She actually snuggled into me and let out a content sigh.

With what happened last night, I broke down all of her emotional walls when it came to me being involved. She poured her heart out to me, something she would have _never_ done for Kazuma.

She _trusted_ me.

Okay, with that in mind, I knew just what I had to say.

"Aqua." I said.

"Hmmmm?" the goddess sounded out.

"If you want, we can either forget this whole thing ever happened..." I started.

Aqua snapped her head up, she looked me in the eyes, she seemed terrified at very notion of forgetting what happened. Tears welled up in the corners of her eyes.

She opened her mouth to say something, but I raised up my hand to stop her.

"...or we can stay together and see where this goes." I suggested.

Aqua's eyes widened as my words sunk in.

"You'd actually go that far...for me?" Aqua asked, astonished.

"Well, yeah...I just wanted to give you a choice in the matter."

You see, Kazuma and I aren't honestly that different. We're both assholes. But the difference was that he was a spiteful asshole, and I was a considerate asshole.

That doesn't make much sense, but roll with it. You know what I mean. Basically, I know where to draw the line and help people.

Aqua looked up. She gave me a pure innocent and grateful smile. "I'd like that."

We shared the joy of that moment for a while.

Suddenly, she let out a rather cute yawn.

"Want to go back to bed?" Aqua asked.

"Yeah, I could use some more sleep." I said in a drowsy tone.

I opened up my inventory and equipped my sweat pants and unequipped my suit, leaving me shirtless because the only two shirts I had were covered in sweat, blood...or both.

I laid on the bed and closed my eyes, but opened them when I felt Aqua wrapping her arms around me, laying her head on my chest.

I snorted in amusement before closing my eyes once more, finally drifting to sleep, the pained, anguished cries of Cthulhu lulling me into slumber in the land of Dante's salty virgin tears.

* * *

 **The Next Day.**

So, after Aqua got done eating breakfast, we went straight for those dastardly toads.

On the way I bought Aqua a staff so she could better channel magic.

And I was wearing my sexy suit again!

"Okay, Aqua, remember what I told you. These toads are, to my knowledge, completely immune to blunt attacks."

She nodded. "Don't worry, they'll be no match for a goddess like me!"

"I like the enthusiasm, but remember, shank the fuckers."

In response Aqua manipulated the moisture in the air to create a blade of water on her staff, making it some sort of halberd.

I blinked in surprise. "I never knew you could do that."

"I'm a water goddess, Jack. Manipulating water is what I was born to do. You should tell me how amazing this is."

 _ ***Ding!***_

 _ **Group Chat is now back on.**_

Both Aqua and I looked at the screen in front of us blankly (yeah, turns out, party members can see my screens. Go figure). This was gonna be good.

 **Message from Dante:** _Sorry for that wait, how you holding up there, kid?_

I shrugged. "I'm doing fine, is Cthulhu still alive?"

 **Message from Dante:** _Ummmm, I think so, I mean the body's still twitching, so yeah. Anyway, Gaia and Nyarlathotep have put me in charge of training you in how to use a sword._

My eyes shot up.

I was going to be taught by Dante "Motherfucking" Sparda, on how to fight with a sword!?

I grinned in excitement. "Alright, what's first?"

 **Message from Dante:** _Well, first of all, Nyarlathotep told me to give you this to help you start out._

 **Gift sent by Dante Sparda: [Skill Book].**

I took the skill book out of my **Inventory** , it was dark red in color and had a silhouette of Dante on the cover, holding Rebellion across his shoulder.

"Is that a book?" Aqua asked.

"Give me a second." I said. " **Observation.** "

 **[Skill Book: Combat of The Sparda Family - This book contains the knowledge of all of the Sparda families combat prowess and how to be just as stylish as them.]**

 **Message from Dante:** _Yeah, I don't really get it myself, Nyarlathotep tapped my head and then this book suddenly appeared. She told me you'd know what to do with it._

"Speaking of Nyaruko, where is she?" I asked.

 **Message from Dante:** _She said that she was going to do a double check on the seal holding the Event Horizon._

"You never can be too careful with matters like those."

 **Message from Dante:** _Amen to that._

"So, how's a book going to help you get better at using a sword?" Aqua asked.

"Ah, give me a second." I said as I tapped the book.

 _ ***Ding!***_

 **You have obtained the skill book [Swordmaster]**

 **Would you like to learn this skill?**

 **[Yes] [No]**

Aqua looked at the screen in front of me incredulously. "You can learn skills from books!?"

I sighed. "The **Gamer** ability is broken, nuff said."

I pressed yes.

 **WARNING!**

 **This skill will make permanent changes to your [Gamer] system!**

 **Are you sure you would like this skill?**

 **[Yes] [No]**

"Um, should I be concerned with this?" I thought out loud.

 **Message from Dante:** _Probably. I mean, it permanently changes the system._

I sucked some air through my teeth in agitation. The damn system didn't even tell what would be changing.

"Fuck it," I said. "Nothing ventured, nothing gained."

And with that, I pressed **[Yes]**.

The book faded into white, dust-like particles.

 **Please wait while the changes to the system commence.**

 **.**

 **.**

 **.**

 **Thank you for waiting, changes have finished.**

 _ ***Ding!***_

 **New Style has been acquired: [Swordmaster].**

 **Please check the [Style] tab to view new [Styles]**

My mouth was agape at the screen in front of me.

 **Style**?

What kind of changes did that book do to the system!?

I needed answers, but how?

…

Fuck it, it could work.

" **Menu**?" I said hesitantly.

 **[Equip]**

 **[Status]**

 **[Inventory]**

 **[Skills]**

 **[Styles]**

 **[System]**

 **[Help (You filthy casual!)]**

"I actually didn't expect to get good results out of that."

I pressed the **[Help]** tab.

 **Please vocally ask what you would like to know.**

"What recent changes to the system have occurred?" I asked.

 **All new changes due to [Skill Book: Combat of The Sparda Family] have been done to the [Eldritch Gamer] combat system.**

 **New changes include:**

 **Stylish Combat/Ranking** **s- A combo meter has been added to the top right of your vision when combat has been initiated. Combat now has an EXP multiplier, the higher your rank, the more EXP you will gain for your kill(s). Combo ranks are:**

 **D (Dope! EXP x1)**

 **C (Crazy! EXP x1.5)**

 **B (Blast! EXP x2)**

 **A (Alright! EXP x2.5)**

 **S (Sweet! EXP x3)**

 **SS (SShowtime! EXP x 3.5)**

 **SSS (SSStylish! EXP x4)**

 **Style System** **\- Styes are a subcategory of skills, instead of having all different kinds of skill, [Styles] are different combat forms. For example, Jetstream Sam's Iaido sword style is categorized as a learnable [Style].**

Aqua and I had our jaws dropped.

 **Message from Dante:** _Wow…_

 **Message from Zelretch:** _HA! He actually had to use the_ _ **[Filthy Casual]**_ _tab. Cthulhu, you owe me twenty dollars!_

 **Message from Cthulhu:** _ ***Pained, angry groaning, followed by an exasperated sigh through nonexistent nostrils***_

I smirked in satisfaction as I opened up the **[Styles]** tab.

 **[Swordmaster] (Passive)** LV 1, EXP [0.0%]. This is your prowess with your main weapon, ripped straight from Devil May Cry. As skill level increases you will be able to have a better grasp on the sacred art of stabbing the fuck out of something or everything, depends on how you look at it. Prowess and damage with melee weapons goes up by 10%.

 **[Trickster] (Passive)** LV 1, EXP [0.0%]. This is the measure of your capability to have jukes, that and to not fail while free running...and maybe have a double jump along the way. As the skill level increases, you will be able to better have jukes. (That means you can dodge things. It's what the hip kids say.) Ability to juke goes up by 10%.

 **[Gunslinger] (Passive)** LV 1, EXP [0.0%]. This is the level you're on when it comes to popping a cap in someone's ass. As the skill level increases, you will become the antithesis of Church's aim in Red vs Blue. Accuracy with a gun increases 10%.

 **[Royalguard] (Passive)** LV 1, EXP [0.0%]. This is how good you are at building a wall and making your enemies pay for it...with _counterattacks!_ As the skill level increases, you will be better able to block things...even odor! For 16 hours! Defensive capability increases by 10%.

 **[Dark Slayer] (Passive)** LV 1, EXP [0.0%] You grimdark reaper-ass weeaboo motherfucker. Well, as long as you're using this, I guess a description is in order. This is your mastery over the powers of darkness...also known as Vergil's fighting style from Devil May Cry. As the skill level increases, you will be better able to sit in a corner and spam Judgment Cut. Attack speed increases by 10%.

 **Message from Dante:** _Wow, you just stole years upon_ _ **years**_ _of training and badassery, you know._

"Yeah, so?" I asked.

 **Message from Dante:** _Teach me that shit so I can steal Vergil's moves, that fuckass is_ _ **so**_ _annoying! Even in_ _ **death**_ _he's so annoying!_

"Sounds like you've got a lot to work through there, Dante, old buddy old pal."

 **Message from Dante:** _Oh, I do. I have to work a sword through Vergil's esophagus, that's what._

"Dude, stop spewing shit that would give a fangirl's tunnel a flood."

 **Message from Dante:** _...I'll give you that one. Anyway, I recommend you combo these styles frequently for the level grinding. And for MAXIMUM DAMAGE!_

"How are these skills going to help you?" Aqua asked.

I smirked. "Watch this."

I began to exude mana and raised my hand.

 _This_ _ **should**_ _work._

In a blue flash of light a sword appeared. It was made of mana, and looked like a katana.

That and the damn thing was floating in the air!

Noice! **[Dark Slayer]** lets me use the Summon Sword ability that Nero and Vergil have!

Does this mean I can teleport eventually!? Oh man, I'm getting cooler and edgier by the second!

Wait, how much mana does this cost?

 **MP:** _200/210_

That ain't bad at all. How much damage does it do?

I threw it at a random Giant Toad nearby.

It went _through_ its damn eye socket.

"Wow." Aqua said.

 **Message from Dante:** _But weren't those things weak to anything sharp? I wouldn't take this at face value._

 **Message from Nyarlathotep:** _I'm back! Did he get the weeaboo NERF sword yet?_

 **Message from Ragna:** _Um. We unmuted the group chat, Nyarlathotep._

"The weeaboo _what_ sword!?" I shouted.

 **Message from Nyarlathotep:** _Oh. This is awkward._

 **Message from Ragna:** _For once, I guess Dante's right. The sword's strength is proportional to the amount of mana you invest in it._

 **Message from Zelretch:** _Don't worry, Jack, it's not the size of your sword, it's how you use it!_

"Wait, so if I shove in a bunch of mana, then I can basically have Excalibur?"

 **Message from Zelretch:** _Not at_ _ **that**_ _filthy casual level, scrub! Speaking of "filthy casual," pay up, Cthulhu! He opened the tab and you know it._

 **Message from Cthulhu:** _Damn it, I thought he'd forget._

 **Message from Zelretch:** _NO ONE EXPECTS THE ZELRETCH INQUISITION!_

I sighed and turned to Aqua. "You want a crack at the toads?"

Aqua thrust her makeshift halberd into the air. "They'll be no match for this goddess!"

And with that she ran headfirst at a random green toad.

She let out _the_ _most_ unintimidating shrill battle cry I have _ever_ heard.

Aqua slammed her blade down on the head of the toad. The damn thing was split in half due to the force of the blow.

 **Message from Eddie:** _Holy moly, girl packs a punch!_

Aqua laughed arrogantly. "As expected from a goddess such as myself, and now on to the oth- WHAT!?"

I deadpanned as I saw Aqua struggle to pull her halberd out of the ground.

"I...I can't..." Aqua groaned with effort. "I can't pull out!"

 **Message from Dante:** _That's what he said!_

It was at this moment that another Giant Toad decided to jump _right next to Aqua_.

It was _also_ at this moment that Aqua knew: she had fucked up.

"Aieee-" Aqua's scream was cut off by the Giant Toad's large maw clamping over her body. It lifted her into the air, with her still in its mouth, and began to shake its head back and forth.

 **Message from Lenka:** _You've got to be kidding me._

"This would be the perfect time for someone to play Chaccaron Maccaron." I noted nonchalantly as I walked up to the toad, taking my long sword from my **[Inventory]**.

I casually slashed at the toad's abdomen, spilling its entrails onto the grass, killing it.

Smirking I said. "Guess, you could call this the _slice_ of life."

 _ ***Ding!***_

 **Skill Level Up!**

 **[Terrible Puns] (Passive)** LV 6, EXP [75%]. This is your ability to make terrible puns. As the skill EXP increases, you will be able to make people groan extremely loud, but grudgingly admit your prowess at terrible puns. Horrific nature of your puns increases by 12%.

"Power leveling the absolute fuck out of it." I said.

I absentmindedly noted that there was a " **Dope!"** in the top right of my vision.

I pulled the now slimy Aqua out of the dead toad.

"Thank you, Jack." she sobbed in a puddle of slime. "Eeeeeeeewwww..."

Aqua stood up, her shoulders slumped. "I'm all dirty now."

 **Message from Geralt:** _I can think of several innuendos for that sentence._

 _Only several, I'm disappointed in you Geralt._

"If the followers of Axis see me sullied like this, I'll lose their devotion!"

 **Message from Lenka:** _What the heck is Axis?_

"Her cult." I whispered.

 **Message from Zelretch:** _She has a cult?_

"And they're all insane." I said.

 **Message from Ragna:** _She can still hear us right, why is she ignoring us?_

I shrugged. "I think she's way too into her own speech."

Aqua started waving her arms wildly. "If it gets out that I backed down from a lowly frog, the name of the beautiful and stunning Aqua-sama will fall by the wayside!"

 **Message from Alucard:** _It's a bit too late for that._

Aqua shot off at high speeds at a nearby pink toad.

"Aqua, wait!" I shouted.

"Feel the power of the gods!" she shouted as she sprinted into a Naruto run. "Regret that you ever stood in my path and bared your fangs at the gods, and repent in the pits of Hell!"

 **Message from Eddie:** _Did she forget her halberd?_

 **Message from Dante:** _Yes, yes she did._

Aqua reared her fist back as it was began to glow with golden divine energy. "God Blow!"

 **Message from Cthulhu:** _Take your bets everybody!_

 **Message from Zelretch:** _Toad._

 **Message from Eddie:** _Toad._

 **Message from Ragna:** _Toad._

 **Message from Geralt:** _Toad._

 **Message from Alucard:** _Toad._

 **Message from Dante:** _Toad._

 **Message from Lenka:** _Aqua?_

 _ ***Everyone looks at Lenka in disgust.***_

 _ ***Crash***_

"Why did I just hear a window break?" I questioned.

 **Message from Cthulhu:** _Sorry, we had to materialize one to throw Lenka through. There's only so much heresy an Eldritch abomination can suffer._

"'God Blow' is a lethal fist that carries a goddess' rage and sorrow!" Aqua yelled at the top of her lungs. "Any it strikes will perish!"

Aqua finally closed the distance between her and the toad, slamming her fist into it as hard as possible.

 _ ***Bop***_

The toad wobbled a bit due to the force of the blow, but other than that it was completely unharmed.

"That was a _toad-_ al disappointment." I deadpanned.

 _ ***Ding!***_

 **Skill Level Up!**

 **Skill Level Up!**

 **Skill Level Up!**

 **Skill Level Up!**

 **[Terrible Puns] (Passive)** LV 10, EXP [25%]. This is your ability to make terrible puns. As the skill EXP increases, you will be able to make people groan extremely loud, but grudgingly admit your prowess at terrible puns. Horrific nature of your puns increases by 12%.

 **Message from Cthulhu:** _That pun was a toad-al disappointment!_

Aqua stood completely still, in the same pose she held when she punched the toad.

She looked up. "N-Now that I have a good look at you, I think frogs are pretty cute."

The pink toad suddenly clamped down on the blue haired goddess.

"This..." I started, staring into space while pondering existence. "This is my life now."

 **Message from Cthulhu:** _Lovecraft's Mishaps on this Second-Rate World._

I could _hear_ the disappointment and despair in his voice.

"Cthulhu, I can't save the multiverse if I have to keep pulling Aqua out of toads," I said in mild despair.

 **Message from Dante:** _We're all going to die. And I haven't even gotten laid yet!_

I sighed as I dragged my feet on my way to the pink toad.

"This is going to be my whole day, isn't it...?" I asked to no one in particular.

* * *

 **After the brutal massacre of about one hundred toads!**

"Welp, I'm level sixteen now. Progress has never felt so _completely_ unsatisfying. At least we made bank today, and the guild has a store of food."

I was sitting in the inn room that evening. Aqua was off bathing somewhere, bless her poor chewed-on soul. I opened my status menu.

 **Name:** Jack Gehrman **Toad Slayer**

 **Occupation:** The Eldritch Gamer

 **LV: 16**

 **EXP:** 67%

 **HP:** 280/280

 **MP:** 255/255

 **Strength:** 37

 **Vitality:** 24

 **Dexterity:** 27

 **Intelligence:** 25

 **Wisdom:** 11

 **Luck:** 10

 **Point(s):** 0

 **Eris:** 39,297,000

I hummed _Billionaire_ by Travie McCoy.

 **Message from Cthulhu:** _You know the song is called "Billionaire." Your assets are only in the millions._

 _Stop breaking my dreams!_ I thought.

I had invested mostly into the more physical stats, but I spared some for the Intelligence stat. And I just put two into Wisdom and one into Luck. Couldn't hurt, I guessed.

Suddenly, someone barged the fuck in. I closed the status menu and whirled around to see Luna running towards me.

" _Jack!_ " Luna screamed. " _We need your help! You're the only one we can rely on!_ "

"What!? What's going on?" I rushed to calm her down. "It's okay, breathe!"

" _It's not okay! There's toads_ _ **everywhere!**_ " she sobbed.

"Huh!? Where the fuck's everyone else!?" I bellowed, starting to panic.

"Every other adventurer is either out of town, wasted, hung over, or all of the above!" Luna desperately urged. "Jack, please!"

"All right, hang on!" I reached into my inventory and brandished my longsword. "Where is it happening?"

"Where _isn't_ it happening!?" Luna hollered.

Suddenly, the roof busted in.

 _No, not Harambe! He was the ceiling!_

Amidst my momentary grief, I shielded Luna from the debris that clattered down from the wrecked rafters.

 _I must protect the floor, if nothing else!_

But as I protected Luna, I took note of one thing. There wasn't much sun for a hole in the roof...

So I looked up to see why that was, and lo and behold...

There was a toad blocking out the sun. He was a regal purple color, and was far more massive than the average already giant toads that lived outside of town. Atop his head was an especially ornate gold crown encrusted with jewels.

" _Hi ho, bitch,"_ the toad ominously intoned. " _Kermit the Toad Prince here."_

I rolled my eyes. "Oh, for the love of fu-"

The toad's tongue whipped out and slammed into my chest, sending me through the window and into the wall of another building. The impact shook my body and the structure I had been tossed into. I groaned, and stood.

 _Actually, Cthulhu's zap-happiness came in handy. Three cheers for physical endurance! Also, ow._

Kermit the Toad Prince hopped onto the building I'd just been in and leered down at me.

" _Hi ho, hi ho,"_ he chuckled as darkly and maliciously as he could make himself sound when speaking in a Kermit voice. " _It's off to hell you go."_

It's Tuesday, isn't it?

 **Chapter End**

 **Review Response.**

 **MysticSpider: Yes, that was a DMC Abridged reference!**

 **Saint of vice koncor: While I do like Persona, that will not be happening in this story, going to TYPE-MOON right after this world!**

 **All about party and crazy: Hope you like this chapter too!**

 **Piddle: I've already got a Campione fic.**

 **Qin W.X (Review One and Two): Glad to see you enjoy yourself over there.**

 **Nameless93: I'm actually thinking of doing a Monster Girl Quest fic. I'm going to let that sink in there for a second.**

 **Xanothos: I'm not the devil, but I'll try, also Yang does weep in envy!**


	8. A Mildly Important Boss Fight

**Welcome back everyone! Did you miss me?**

 **I know I haven't updated this since July, and made like almost 5 other fics in that timeframe. But A Blade Borne to Kill got REALLY popular in such a short amount of time and took up a lot of my focus.**

 **...That and I have other fic ideas that I'm going to write after this gets published.**

 **Welp here's another instalment of the drug that everyone craves!**

 **Chapter 8: A Mildly Important Boss Fight**

"Shit!" I shouted as I rolled to the right, dodging Kermit's tongue, which was about to crash into me.

Great. I've lost my longsword due to my crash course in architecture. How the fuck am I going to kill this bastard?

 _ **Observation!**_ I activated my skill.

 **Crown Prince of All Toads**

 **LV 21 Kermit**

 **HP: 2000/2000**

 **MP: 500/500**

 **WARNING! BOSS MONSTER: Beware of this toady! Except he's not the toady - he's the prince. The toadies answer to** _ **him.**_ **He is the legendary heir to the toad throne, and he who defeats this most powerful of adversaries earns the right to the inheritance of Toad-**

 _THIS DOES NOT HELP, UNLESS I WANT TO TAKE A SHOT EVERY TIME THIS DESCRIPTION READS 'TOAD!'_ I shouted in my head. _WHAT WEAKNESSES DOES THIS DAMN TOAD HAVE!?_

 **Same as all the other ones, wiseass.**

 _Ok. Thanks, I guess...you Windows XP-running piece of shit,_ I sassed the system, right before taking Kermit's tongue to the face and sailing through the building. As I flew through the now-somewhat-ruined house, I heard the system say another thing.

 **Talk shit, get hit, boy.**

I rolled my eyes and promptly got slammed against the back wall.

 _He's serious!_ I thought.

 **Message from Dante:** _No shit, Sherlock._

"Well, get ready, you _Toadal_ disaster, because now I'm going to use my Special Move!" I declared.

 _ **Ding!**_

 **Skill Level Up!**

 **[Terrible Puns] (Passive)** LV 11, EXP [98%]. This is your ability to make terrible puns. As the skill EXP increases, you will be able to make people groan extremely loud, but grudgingly admit your prowess at terrible puns. Horrific nature of your puns increases by 12%.

 _Power leveling the fuck out of this!_

"And what is that... _Special Move..._ going to be, plebeian hooman?" his almighty Toad majesty leered at me through the hole in the building.

"Oh, it's literally moving. Bye, motherfucker!" I shouted, and began running towards the open plains outside of Axel, using another broken wall in the house to escape.

 **Message from Dante:** _Ha. I see what you did there._

As I ran through an alleyway, I glanced at my **HP.**

 **HP:** 120/280

 _I am so fucked,_ I thought with complete certainty.

 **Message from Eddie:** _Do you have any magic besides your special effects bullshit?_

 _YOU'VE BEEN WATCHING ME THE ENTIRE TIME! OF COURSE I DON'T!_

A Giant Toad loomed ahead in my path. I used the **[Dark Slayer] Style** to make one of those Weeaboo Nerf Swords and threw it right into the eye of the toad.

The sound of flesh piercing flesh met my ears as I ran forwards...but the toad didn't collapse.

 _It's not dead. WHY ISN'T IT DEAD!?_

 _ **Observation!**_

 **Royal Guard Toad**

 **LV 15 Giant Toad**

 **HP: 3/600**

 **MP: 75/75**

 **This is a Royal Guard Toad. It has just enough health to not be killed in one hit by a Weeaboo Nerf Sword thrown into its eye.**

I looked at the description for a few seconds, my eye twitching in irritation.

"FFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUU-!"

" _Hi-ho, hi-ho, oh boy, are you slow._ I've caught up," Kermit added, landing right behind me with a colossal _thud._

"OH god, it really _is_ Tuesday, isn't it?" I said in disappointment.

Another toad, a chubby one that appeared the color of printer paper, hopped down from the nearest building.

"It is Wednesday, my dudes," it cheerily told us all. Then, satisfied, the toad hopped off into the distant plains of Axel.

"...I am going to hunt that bastard down if it's the last thing I do." I said in deadpan.

"The last thing _you_ do will be dying horrifically by my toad hand," Kermit sneered. The Royal Guard toad also turned around to face me.

 _I have an idea._

 **Message from Cthulhu:** _Is your idea dying horrifically by his toad hand? Because really, it's a good plan. Once Aqua revives you, you can come back stronger, and-_

"Weeaboo swords for _everyone_!" I shouted as I made many Force Swords to surround myself with. The swords shot off in the direction of the many toads.

Costing a good bit of **MP.**

 **MP:** 175/255

Each sword hit a toad. One killed the Royal Guard toad I'd previously wounded, while another shot off and hit a toad on the other side of town, but the bastard survived. Another knocked a toad into the side of a weapons shop, which collapsed onto still another toad, who was promptly perforated by swords. The other two swords hit one toad each, and they also managed to survive. Two pierced the toad hands of Kermit, and with an angry shout, the toads that heard him all turned to face me.

In short, I'd pissed off most of the remaining toads, and only taken out about a fifth of Kermit's **HP.**

 **Crown Prince of All Toads**

 **LV 21 Kermit**

 **HP: 1600/2000**

 **MP: 500/500**

"And like the wind, I vanish!" I shouted as I hauled ass to the dead Royal Guard toad behind me. Springing into the air, I trampolined off his back and landed on a nearby roof.

I ran as fast as I could, jumping from rooftop to rooftop.

 **New skill has been acquired: [Parkour]**

 **[Parkour] (Passive)** LV 1, EXP [24%] _Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! -Splat._

 _...I'll ask questions about that description later. In the meantime, I just hope the description doesn't happen to_ _ **me.**_

Suddenly, the roof I was on shook from an impact. Turning my head for a split second yielded an angry mob of toads on the rooftops with me.

I had the perfect response for this. "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

 **Linebreak**

"How do you think Jack is doing with the toads?" Aqua asked Luna as they ate lunch in the Adventure's Guild.

"He'll be fine," Luna said dismissively. "He hasn't let us down yet. He'll pull through."

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Aqua and Luna heard.

"What was that?" Aqua asked with a raised eyebrow.

"Could have been the wind."

"AQUA GET YOUR LAZY ASS OUT HERE NOW!" the wind shouted.

"Some wind, huh?" Luna said.

"I'll say." Aqua shrugged.

 **Linebreak**

I dodged another tongue attack. "Of all the ways to die, why do I have to get tongued!"

 **Message from Ragna:** _Because you got too kill-happy with toads._

 _DAMN YOU, HINDSIGHT!_

As I was running I tripped on the ledge of the building I was running on. Thinking I was about to go splat onto the streets below, I raised my arms in order to block the sight of my impending doom.

Instead I landed in something rather soft. I opened my eyes to see nothing but green. I jumped out from where I was. Turns out I landed in a cabbage cart.

"MY CABBAGES!" the owner of the cart shouted.

 _Oh no, it's_ _ **him.**_

 **Message from Lenka:** _Who?_

 _The cabbage guy from the Avatar cartoon series. Why is he here?_

 **Message from Cthulhu:** _Shush. It's Cthulhu Ex Machina._

I ran until I came across the weapons shop where that one toad was killed by many swords. Sweet! What luck! I need all the sharp pointy things I can get my hands on!

As I reached for a sword, I heard someone sharply clear their throat behind me.

I stopped momentarily and turned to see the white haired loli shopkeeper. She had her arms crossed and was looking suspiciously at me.

"Can...I help you?" I asked.

"Uh, yeah, you can pay for that sword. That'll be 30,000 Eris."

"I have three dollars."

"I don't know what these 'dollars' are, but they're not Eris. Give me money or get out of here."

I waved my hand in front of her and said, "You want to help me help this town by giving me the swords for free."

"I said give me money, bucko."

"The town's about to be lost to these stupid amphibians and you're charging me money for a sword!? You're like the shopkeeper in Zelda who just can't spare a few bombs when I'm about to fight the fucking lord of evil!"

"Oh, I'm sorry, I've just received word that a sword now runs for 60,000-"

" _Okay, jeez, I'll take the 30k!_ " I threw a sack of Eris at her, grabbed the sword by the handle and left with it at top speed.

"Fucking lolis..."

I stepped outside of the shop to see of the toads gathered there.

"Oh, you waited for me! How polite," I said.

"What? _Hi-ho, hi-ho, hell the fuck no,_ we're just afraid of the monster in that shop," Kermit explained.

"Eh? You mean that loli bitch?"

" _Hi-ho, hi-ho, we used to have a king, you know._ "

"What? What happened to him?" I asked.

"You dumb bitch! We were just talking about a monster, what do you think happened? She smashed him with a fucking tree!"

"I thought you guys were immune to blunt damage!?"

"So did we!" Kermit bellowed.

Kermit paused and took a deep breath. "I'm sorry, I just - I get really riled up when my dear old dad comes up, y'know? Look, can we just leave this place so that none of us have to deal with her and her shit?"

"So you all are afraid of the-" I turned around and saw her looking me in the eyes, smiling sweetly while sharpening a sword.

"I heard you call me a bitch, you know," She said softly.

"I'm not saying sorry." I turned to Kermit. "So, where do you want to take this?"

 **Linebreak**

Kermit and his army of Royal Toads led me to the plains. The Royal Guard, for some reason, thought it was a good to leave me alone with Kermit so we could 1v1, as per his instructions.

"Here it began, and here it shall end." Kermit said. "Here your bloodlust flourished, and here you will die."

"The fuck did I even do!?" I shouted.

"You slaughtered many of our people! Great toads and toadettes, all!"

"Sounds like a personal problem."

"It's _your_ problem now!" Kermit's eyes narrowed. "For here in the plains, my powers are _doubled,_ and every last vestige of my being will be focused on killing you, all because you were too foolish to curb your bloodthirsty rampa-"

"Behind you is a giant owl!" I screamed in mock panic.

" _HI-HO-NO!_ WHERE!?" Kermit screamed in legitimate fear, turning around.

He swiftly received a Nerf Weeaboo Sword to the back of his knee. I once again glanced at his **HP.**

 **HP:** 1400/2000

"Why, you..." he growled.

"You mad bro?" I asked smugly.

"Before you dare spill one more _drop_ of my blue blood, you ought to reconsider your life choices," Kermit said menacingly, starting to tower over me.

"I think you'll find that I'm not going to die _toad-_ ay," I clicked and leveled finger guns at Kermit.

 _ **Ding!**_

 **[Terrible Puns] (Passive)** LV 12, EXP [08%]. This is your ability to make terrible puns. As the skill EXP increases, you will be able to make people groan extremely loud, but grudgingly admit your prowess at terrible puns. Horrific nature of your puns increases by 12%.

"First you raise a sword to my people, and now you mock their demise," Kermit fumed. "Though you have persistence, you also have foolishness in equal measure. Behold the true power of my bloodline."

"What, do you have a Kekkei Genkai or something?"

He didn't respond to my taunt. However, I noticed something strange about his stats all of a sudden. As he started to draw himself up still higher, the air pressure began to change, but most noticeably, so did his **MP.**

It started to decrease.

"Wait, you actually have magic _powers!?_ " I incredulously shouted over the rushing of the wind around Kermit.

 **BGM: Dragon Ball Xenoverse 2 OST - Villainous Boss Battle Theme**

And suddenly, there was an explosion of golden power around him. Lightning struck, and a glow that seemed to shed little wisps of light from around him. I stood my ground, but the wind rushing off of him had grown quite intense.

And then, as he began to settle back down where he stood, I looked at his **MP** bar.

 **MP:** 250/500

" _ **Allow me to repeat myself,"**_ Kermit said in a doubled voice, his eyes flashing with power, lightning coiling around his body. " _ **Hi-ho, hi-ho. It's off to Hell you go."**_

I began to guess that maybe the guards left us alone because the Toad Prince here was actually pretty dangerous to their health in this form.

 **Message from Cthulhu:** _I had no idea that little fucker had it him to something like this._

 **Message from Dante:** _I'm here for moral support. Of course, I'm also here to write your obituary, so try not to make it too short here, okay?_

 **Message from Nyarlathotep:** _Now, sweetie, I know things look bad, but…_

 _But what?_

 **Message from Nyarlathotep:** _You know what, there really is no upside. I don't know where I was going with that._

With all those votes of confidence, the The Toad Prince of All Saiyans appeared in front of me and swept a webbed foot across my face. Sending me flying.

I didn't think I'd ever flown that fast before. I landed several feet away, and felt pain all over. I also knew I was actually running low on **HP** , and the amphibious roundhouse kick I'd just received worsened matters.

 **HP:** 30/280

It seemed that if I took one more hit, it would be over for me. Also, fucking _ow!_

"Oh God, I'm going to be feeling that one in the morning."

" _ **How precious. You imply that you'll see another sunrise,"**_ the Toad Prince sneered coldly, and began to hop slowly towards my weakened form, each landing of his body cracking the ground beneath him. " _ **Tell me, how will you see this morning you just mentioned when your life now faces eternal dusk?"**_

"I'll do what every other gamer does. Break the game!" I shouted as I charged head first seemingly foolishly.

" _ **A last stand, hm? Shame. The operative word is 'last,' after all."**_ Kermit continued to go confidently forward towards his supposed victory.

Kermit lashed out his tongue while I charged ahead. I dodged the speeding tongue by the skin of my teeth, surprising both myself and Kermit. Once close enough I dug my heel into the ground and spun around using my momentum to slash the sword in my hands as hard as I could.

I was shocked to see that the sword, the sharp metal object that these toads were weak as all fuck to, _didn't_ really do anything to Kermit in this form. The gash that was left on its body was the equivalent to a papercut!

"The fuck?" I yelled in confusion.

" _ **Foolish hooman! I have ascended past physical harm from such crude weaponry. If you would even hope to scratch me, it would take either a miracle or a magic sword."**_

"Did you just explain your weakness to me?"

" _ **What difference do you expect this explanation to make? There is no avenue you have left to victory,"**_ Kermit laughed, his voice booming through the plains. " _ **I am stronger than you, faster than you, and your sword cannot hold a candle to the power of my bloodline. It is over."**_

"Are _you_ Dark Souls?" I asked my eye twitching.

" _ **My soul is pure and unstained with the crime of murder, unlike yours,"**_ Kermit coldly retorted. " _ **My soul is only of the lightest variety."**_

"Bitch, I asked you if you were Dark Souls. Because nothing, and I mean _nothing_ is stronger than Dark Souls."

I started immediately running circles around Kermit making Force Swords above him. Sure, the super-powered toad was fast, but with that kind of body, and being _that_ big, there was only so much he could do if I was always all up in his grill. It still wasn't easy, mind you. Even this close, the bastard was too fast for my liking, but if I gave him space, and time to think, I was screwed.

As I kept running around him I constantly slashed at him with my sword. Sure it didn't do much, but it annoyed him. It made him angry, made him sloppy. He didn't even notice the growing amount of blue glowing swords above him.

 _Snap!_

"...What?" I stared at the broken sword in my hands. "Did I just break my sword?"

" _ **No, I broke it,"**_ Kermit said lazily. " _ **I'd had quite enough of letting you think you were getting anywhere."**_

I stared blandly at the broken sword in my hand. Then promptly proceeded to throw it at Kermit.

" _ **Your slashes are comparable to those of a small bloodsucking insect,"**_ he haughtily mocked.

"Oh, well, in that case..." I smirked. " _Omae wa mou shindeiru._ "

" _ **What?"**_

"Close enough," I shrugged.

In a flash, the storm of blades I had created while circling the Crown Prince came down like a hail of toad destruction.

Each of the ten blades I made pierced his body like a thousand-degree knife through butter. But clearly the power of his new form protected him somewhat, because even ten of them didn't bring him down completely.

 **HP:** 400/2000

However, he _was_ stunned from the impact. His armor seemed to fizzle out ever so slightly, somewhat unmaintained.

"Well, Kermit, it was fun." My arm glowed blue as I pushed whatever mana I had left to make another Force Sword. 75 units of **MP** right into this new motherfucker.

The sword took on a different appearance than the other Nerf Weeaboo Swords. Instead of being a katana it was an odachi, so you _know_ everyone was going to say I was compensating for something.

 _I know that KonoSuba is an Isekai, but I've always favored...the_ _ **slice**_ _of life._

 **Message from Cthulhu:** _You already used that joke._

 _But not in this context! Dream bigger! Like the odachi!_

 **Message from Ragna:** _Hurry up and and stab him before he gets up!_

 _I said_ _ **slice,**_ _not_ _ **stab.**_

 **Message from Ragna:** _Whichever works. Just_ _ **do**_ _it already!_

I smiled, satisfied with the hard-won victory, and slashed the sword through Kermit's torso. Slicing him in half.

 _ **Ding!**_

 **Level Up! Level Up! Level Up! Level Up!**

"Oh...I forgot he was a boss for a second there."

 **Linebreak**

"Hip hip...HOORAY!" the townsfolk cheered as they saw me return to the town.

"Jack!" Luna pushed through the crowd. "Why did this happen? Did you find out?"

"Uh..."

 _Shit, this was my fault!_

 **Message from Everyone:** _Quick, scapegoat the Demon King!_

"I-It was the Demon King?" I asked hesitantly to no one at all, then caught myself and began using a more appropriate shit-talking voice. "Because, obviously, who else would do it? Fuck that guy."

Everyone stared at me for a solid minute. Then some farmer girl at the back of the crowd shouted angrily.

"Works for me! Screw the Demon King!"

Soon the entire crowd was chanting "screw the Demon King." I managed to slip away in the midst of the chaos and found myself back at the Inn.

And no one was ever the wiser about my spat with the royal house of Toads.

 **Message from Alucard:** _You got_ _ **really**_ _fucking lucky, you know that, right? I mean, they do still have tar and feathers._

I winced.

 _At least I still get the money for killing Kermit, right?_

 **Message from Geralt:** _They're probably going to use said money to repair the town._

 _Sheeeeeeeeit. At least I still have my 39 million Eris._

 **Message from Zelretch:** _I haven't spoken a single word this chapter so far, and I'm going to use this line to inform you that the bank has been broken. Quite literally. It's busted open and thieves made off with most of its contents._

 _You realize that I_ _ **am**_ _the bank when it comes to my own money, right? Infinite inventory for the win. Also, what do you mean 'chapter?'_

 **Message from Zelretch:** _Some other you somewhere else will know what I mean._

 _ **Ding!**_

 **Zelretch has unlocked an achievement: Meta-As-Fuckboi!**

 _Am I...writing...a Gamer fic?_

 **Message from Zelretch:** _I will neither confirm nor deny this, but I will say one thing._

 _Which is?_

 **Message from Zelretch:** _Update more, you dickweed._

And no one had dinner that night.

 **Chapter End**

 **Review Responses.**

 **Remzal Von Enili: Sorry, he dead.**

 **xanothos: I have read your fic and it's awesome bruh!**

 **oneoddtodd: You have invoked a challenge that will pun the heavens!**

 **killblade373: Thanks man, it means a lot to me! Also, I'm not joking about the Monster Girl Quest fic, it WILL happen sometime soon.**

 **MysticSpider: This is a crack story. Also I have a lot more stuff planned in the future so calm your tits bruh.**

 **Saint of vice koncor: Well...I** _ **am**_ **going into the TYPE-MOON world after I finish with Konosuba here.**

 **all about party and crazy: Not a lot of crazy character chats this chapter due to the fight, but I called some ambulances for you. I believe I'm 4 months late though.**

 **lonetigar20: Thanks!**

 **Fall Akuma: I'm actually going to make an Omake where Jack and Yang meet to have a pun-off.**

 **SnapDragon21: Yes...let the puns consume you!**

 **Marshman101: Have some more.**

 **Joseph Orellana: Glad to see you like my fic. I will NEVER let it die until it is finished.**

 **Axcel (Review1): Yeah, I know this story kind of has a rough start, but to be fair, this was my second fic ever and was about the time that I found out that comedy is what I do best. You want a** _ **real**_ **cringe fest, read The Greatest Show Unearthed on my profile. It's my first fic and it's** _ **bad.**_

 **Axcel (Review2): It's** _ **Crawling With Love,**_ **and I know. This is the REAL Outer God Nyarlathotep and Cthulhu, not the anime version. If that makes any sense at all.**

 **Axcel(Review3): Didn't know that.**

 **Axcel(Review4): You'll find out soon.**

 **Axcel(Review5): Thanks, it's addicting to write it once I get started.**

 **Axcel(Review6): The story needed some sort of plot. So, why not a funny revenge story!**

 **Axcel(Review7): Thanks man!**

 **Scoolio: Get some goats and paint your car red. If you don't have enough, scrap it right into a Dairy Queen.**

 **MrJackFozzie: Thanks man, it's my goal to make people laugh with my stories!**

 **RoswWhiteLily: I appreciate it!**


	9. Omake: A Missed Opportunity

**Now I know this isn't what most of you were hoping for, you can all blame Blazing Heart frigid soul for getting this idea stuck in my head. That and I must inform you that I won't be updating The Eldritch Gamer for a good while longer because of all the new stories I've made.**

 **No, I'm not apologizing, because I'm a troll and asshole. As well as ready to bring the pun apocalypse.**

 **If you're wondering when The Eldritch Gamer will be updated again, then it will be most likely after I have actually gotten to the Tsukihime arc of my most popular fanfiction A Blade Borne to Kill.**

 **Also, I made another new fic called Bards are Lame? Hold My Beer Fam, which should satisfy most of your needs for Shit Post.**

 **Either way, I hope you enjoy this omake, it's an alternate take on the fight with Kermit, but it's not canon to the actual story.**

 **Happy reading, you degenerates!**

 **Omake: A Missed Opportunity**

The Crown Prince of Toads, Kermit, was stunned as I unleashed a volley of ten Force Swords. The energy blades weren't enough to kill him because his new power-up protected him somewhat.

 **HP:** 400/2000

His aura seemed to fizzle out ever so slightly, somewhat unmaintained.

"Well, Kermit, it was fun." my arm glowed blue as I pushed whatever mana I had left to make another Force Sword. 75 units of **MP** right into this new motherfucker.

The sword wasn't like the previous Nerf Weeaboo Swords, it was a comically huge fucking drill.

"Behold, Kermit, the drill that pierces the heavens," I smirked and began muttering under my breath. "It also makes goddesses sing."

* * *

 **At the Adventurer's Guild**

Both Aqua and Luna had massive red blushes on their faces as the event of their night of passion with Jack came to the forefront of their minds.

"Luna?" Aqua asked.

"Yes, Aqua?" Luna asked back.

"So, about that night we slept with Jack..." Aqua began.

"Yes, I'm down for another threesome!" Luna all but shouted, shocking Aqua and making everyone who heard her spit-take. "You have no idea how much pent-up stress you two helped me work out that night. So many taxes I have to levy and keep track of on Va-"

Aqua just looked at her with wide eyes. "I was just going to ask if you had more of that wine that got Jack drunk in the first place."

Luna raised an eyebrow. "Why?"

"Jack told me that the wine amplifies the experience gain of skills when under its influence."Aqua gave a lecherous grin she remembered how broken The Gamer was. "If got that good his first time, just think how much better he'll be this time."

Luna's eyes widened and a lecherous smirk matching Aqua's made its way onto her face. The two began talking to each other about rather...lewd things, mostly about their night with Jack and what they were going to do to him after they got more of the Hellish Wine.

The things they discussed made the women near them turn beet red and made men turn pale as a ghost. They prayed for that poor adventurer's soul.

* * *

 **Back to yours truly**

Why do I get the feeling that I'm going to be involved in some rather kinky shit soon?

I shook my head, fuck it, now's not the time!

I dashed forward while thrusting my massive drill.

"STINGER!" I shouted.

* * *

 **In the Mindfuck Eldritch Council of Doom.**

Dante stared at the screen coldly with an expression that was a mix of contempt and outrage.

"NANI THE FUCK!?" the demon hunter shouted in rage.

Everyone else started laughing at his expense.

* * *

 **Back with ya boi!**

I stabbed my drill through Kermit, completely running him through.

" _ **Of all the things you could have said before killing me, why did you have to make a dick joke?"**_ Kermit said with infinite disappointment and loathing in his dying voice.

"This is _my_ rising revengeance, Kermit," I said venomously.

" _ **What did I do to you?"**_

My hair showed my eyes. "You broke the ceiling,"

" _ **W-What?"**_

"THE CEILING WAS HARAMBE!" I shouted.

With strength that didn't match my stats, I lifted my massive drill with Kermit still on it and threw the Crown Prince of Toads up into the sky.

I threw my drill at the still very much alive Kermit like a javelin, piercing him once again.

I took my sunglasses out of my **inventory** as I walked away.

"I guess I'm not the only one who's experienced," I gave a shit-eating grin as I snapped my fingers and the drill pierced through Kermit exploded, blowing him up into tiny pieces.

I put on my sunglasses. "The _BANG,_ "

 _ **YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAH!**_

 _ **Ding!**_

 **Level Up! Level Up! Level Up! Level Up!**

 _ **Ding!**_

 **Skill Level Up!**

 **[Terrible Puns] (Passive)** LV 15, EXP [99%]. This is your ability to make terrible puns. As the skill EXP increases, you will be able to make people groan extremely loud, but grudgingly admit your prowess at terrible puns. Horrific nature of your puns increases by 12%.

 **Skill Level Up!Skill Level Up!Skill Level Up!Skill Level Up!Skill Level Up!Skill Level Up!Skill Level Up!Skill Level Up!Skill Level Up!Skill Level Up!Skill Level Up!Skill Level Up!**

"Um..." I just stared as **[Terrible Puns]** just kept leveling up without stopping. "Was it really _that_ bad?"

 **Five minutes later...**

 **[Terrible Puns] has reached a level beyond one that reality can safely allow for without awakening the Blind Idiot God, Azathoth. That is because you now contend with him for the part of the title involving the words "Idiot God." That's record time, you fucking failure!**

I stared at the black screen with a twitching eye.

"You're fucking with me right now," I was proven wrong as all of reality began shaking.

 **Message from Nyarlathotep:** _You bet your ass I will!_

Suddenly, a portal unleashing countless tentacles appeared, the tentacles grabbed my limbs pulling me towards a nearly crazed looking Nyarlathotep.

"OH SHI-"

 _POP!_

* * *

 **Outside of the now nonexistent multiverse.**

" **Huh!?"** Azathoth yelled as he shot up awake.

He shook the blasphemous form that could be defined as a head and stared out into the cosmos.

" **I had the weirdest dream that fuckbois were playing games inside of me."**

He brought a smartphone out of nowhere and called a certain number.

" **Yo, Zelretch, you still up for D &D with Great Red today?"**

[Boi, you know it!] shouted the interdimensional troll.

 **Omake End.**

 **...WHAT A TWIST!**

 **Ending Theme: DMX - Where The Hood At?**

 **Review Responses.**

 **Marshman101: Thanks, always read Prince Kermit's dialogue with Muppet Kermit's voice!**

 **TerrorofDeathHaseo666: Dear God, man, chill before you bring about the end of the world...WITH PUNS!...Welp, I've got some idea for the next omake.**

 **Remzal Von Enili: Kermit's power up was in fact influenced due to me playing a lot of Xenoverse 2 at the time.**

 **Guest: Dude, the MGQ Self-Insert will happen one day but have no fear, I've figured out ways around Ilias's bullshit.**

 **Saberfang Ocalodon: Blaze? #420YOLOBLAZINGSWAG!**

 **TheFelRoseOfTerror:...I am answering the reviews though.**

 **Blazing heart frigid soul: Your review inspired this Omake, have fun with that. Yes, this story's conclusion WILL end in the Fate/Stay Night world, but I will do spin-offs involving me going to other worlds, The Legend of Heroes Trails of Cold Steel being one of them, mostly because I discovered the game through its AMAZING final boss theme. Also, #420WeaponShopLoliSwag!**

 **Hitler's Moustache(Review1): With Stalin!**

 **Hitler's Moustache(Review2): I upset I didn't add Velvet Crowe in the Mindfuck Eldritch Council of Doom.**

 **Hitler's Moustache(Review3): Nyarlathotep is an OUTER GOD, yes, there's a difference. Also, this is technically my second fic, so the early chapter won't be up to par with what I can do now ever since I started in 2016.**

 **thundercharger123: I ACCEPT YOUR CONGRATS WITH GRACE!**

 **Guest:...PRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAZ THE WALLZ!**

 **Shashenka: No prob, sorry this couldn't be a real chapter for you guys.**

 **RoyalTwinFangs: My shitposting is at it's best with this fic.**

 **Beewax2: Thanks for the love mate!**

 **vmage2: Ah, yes, the Sexual Intercoure skill description, my favorite skill description out all of them! Yeah, sorry about that, it was a typo that I never noticed until you pointed out, the word there was supposed to be** _ **decency**_ **, hopefully, that clears things up.**

 **ponyheart07: Sounds dope, but sorry to say that it isn't happening.**

 **xanothos: You're damn right! My kek is EX Ranked!**

 **T-B-R: The loli girl is an OC that I randomly made for this chapter, she'll appear again from time to time.**

 **Guest: It is realistic if you think about it. Let me explain, so what if you're a god now, is that going to pay for your food and shelter? Do you have any worshipers even though you've only** _ **just**_ **gained this power? What would you even do with the power in the first place? Nope, it doesn't and comes with nothing other than the power given to you. Even then if you wanted to take over the world, no world powers would agree to any of your terms, and forcing them might cause All world war in which you may end up causing armageddon with the powers you barely know how to use.**

 **all about party and crazy: Yes, I broke the fourth wall of my own Self-Insert!**

 **crystalicgamer: Finally, I have met more of my own kind!**

 **Guest: TeamFourStar for the win motherfucka!**

 **Guest: Okay, now you see, this is one of the BIGGEST issues I have with most Gamer fics. The motherfucking Charisma stat! All it really boils down to in EVERY SINGLE GAMER FIC I'VE READ IS TO FEED THE HAREM! Seriously, it's just a stat to say how much better at getting bitches you are than fucking Kirito. It doesn't even add to the story, unlike its purpose in the Fate/Stay Night world, which in there it's used to** _ **LEAD**_ **people and even entire countries, not getting laid. I don't even know why people include it in there Gamer fics when it was never a thing in the original Gamer comic. Rant over, the reason why Cathulu's in charge will be revealed later. The twenty dollars thing was a Selderman meme back when Slender The Eight Pages was really popular.**

 **Not importent:...Doing it anyway!**


	10. Full Party!

**Chapter Nine: Full Party!**

Aqua and I were at the Adventurer's Guild having lunch...because breakfast is for squares. Conversation was at a relative low, given that most had left the town, it being in shambles and all. Luna was reading letters of condolences and excuse notes, reacting rather poorly to them.

"What do you _mean_ you're being paid to stand on a road in the middle of nowhere!? Is that all you're _doing!?_ We needed you _here!_ I hope it's worth knowing that you can't accidentally break what's _already broken,_ you useless son of a-"

Needless to say, I did a few jobs for free to keep the town running, and the inn Aqua and I were staying at was destroyed. I liked that inn, dammit! Now to two of us were living with Luna, I was the one paying rent.

"Aqua, we need to talk," I said with a tone of finality, turning my attention to the goddess.

It had been two days since the phan- _toad_ menace struck.

...

...

…

Why isn't **[Terrible Puns]** leveling up?

 _ **Ding!**_

 **ಠ╭╮ಠ**

 **Boi, pick some new material, it's been two damn years!**

Wow, this chapter is off to a _wonderful_ start.

Well, to sum up everything that happened...

I donated half my money to the bank, which 'dem bandits' stole from.

Got drunk...again.

Then I poured all of the new skill points I got from killing Kermit, who will not be missed, into my **[Wisdom]** stat. And with my newfound wisdom, I realized: that was my shittiest idea yet.

"What is it?" Aqua asked as she looked at the cup of apple juice in her hands with contempt.

I absolutely _refused_ to give her any alcohol whatsoever. A sober Aqua was useless. A drunk Aqua was a detriment.

"We need new members in our group," I said.

She tilted her head in confusion. "So, foursome?"

"No!" I shouted on instinct. "Well...actually, let's not take that off the table. But I mean our adventuring group."

"What? We don't need anyone else."

I gripped Aqua's shoulders and stared into her eyes.

"Aqua. Simply put, we suck."

"How so?"

"You have a 4x weakness to Frog-types, you sat on your ass while I nearly got killed by something I kind of started… and it looks like Thanos showed up because half the town is gone. Finally, the universe got destroyed in our first Omake! The TL;DR therefore is, Aqua..."

Her head slumped. "We suck."

 _ **Ding!**_

 **Aqua's [Wisdom] has increased by 3.**

 **Message from Zelretch:** _I just looked through 14,000,605 universes. This is the only one in which I saw her_ _ **[Wisdom]**_ _score increase._

 _Is that a reference?_

 **Message from Zelretch:** _It could be seen as one. But it's merely the sad truth._

Luna came over and sat at our table.

"I hate him so much right now. Things get destroyed whether he's here or not, but now I can only indirectly blame him."

"Don't worry," I patted her on the back. "I paid for all the damages...and the bank."

"And thank you very much for that," She said and kissed me on the cheek. "So, what's got you two so serious?"

"We need more members to our group," I explained.

Luna tilted her head. "So, foursome?"

"Why do people keep assuming that!?"

"Well, recently, people have made you out to be a lot less creepy version of Mitsurugi Kyouya."

The expression I had could only be described as Excalibur Face. I may be staring a harem… unwittingly mind you, but I'm not Kirito status yet.

"Ugh, not _him_ again."

"But I only mentioned him the one time."

I sighed. "I know, I...know him from my hometown. He was kind of an asshole there too."

"You have my condolences."

"So, anyway can we put up a poster for people to join our adventuring group?"

"Yeah, sure, go for it."

 **The Next Day!**

"Wow," I said as I looked at the poster on the wall. "I am never letting you do arts and crafts ever again, much less advertising, Aqua."

 **Message from Eddie:** _That handwriting is horrible, the eyes of English teachers across the globe would bleed if they saw this crap._

 **Message from Ragna:** _Agreed._

"Aqua," I said as we sat across from each other. "No one is coming."

"I know," she said blandly as we sat on a bench at the Guild.

Well, I really fucked up the timeline, didn't I?

Half the town is destroyed, a good seventh of the population is moved out, and there's toad slime and corpses _everywhere_!

Yeah, I don't really see Megumin and Darkness coming here at all-

"I saw the notice to recruit top-tier adventurers. Is that you guys?"

Her eyes with red pupils looked sleepy.

Her smooth black hair reached her shoulders.

For us, she was a girl in a classical witch attire, with a black cloak, dark boots, pointy hat and a staff.

Her features were delicate like a porcelain doll. Fuck it, I'll cut the description short, she was a goddamn witch-loli!

The small frail girl who looked about 12-13 had an eye patch covering one eye. She flung her cloak hard and said: "I am Megumin! An arch wizard with the strongest attack spell, explosion…!"

Above her head was.

 **Possibly Related to Michael Bay**

 **LV 49 Megumin**

...God fucking dammit! How is this girl level 49 when I'm only level 16!? She can be more useless than Aqua sometimes! How did she even get this much XP without dying!? Every time she blows something up she collapses, so there has got to be some way that she can use her magic without starving to death in the middle of nowhere… unless… she somehow got Yunyun to carry her?

Fuck it, that's my new headcanon!

 **Message from Cthulhu:** _You seemed almost hopeful that you weren't going to meet her._

 _I was...I really, really was. Why does life hate me so?_

 **Message from Dante:** _Megumin is a precious flower and you will treat her as such!_

 _Dante… I'm calling the police. Next time I turn around, duck, I don't want to smack you with my dick!_

 **Message from Dante:** _Oh no, I'm so scared of you and your two inches!_

 **Message from Ragna:** _Welp, at least I'm not the one being accused of being a pedophile this time._

 **Message from Zelretch:** _My half demon dude, we watched the Sixteen Hour Sextacle Spectacle Spectacular everyone knows he's not two inches._

 **Message from Dante:** _Stop breaking my dreams of humiliating him!_

"Hey! Don't go running off without me!" shouted a feminine and slightly more mature voice.

I sighed in relief at the sound of that voice. Finally, someone fucking _useful_!

She had a black shirt on that exposed her admittedly impressive bust size. She also had a pink tie with a pink and white skirt, her eyes were the same crimson as Megumin. Her hair was long and brown, giving a slightly more mature look than her "rival,".

I put the word rival in quotes because the loli that loves to blow her load everywhere without thinking of the consequences has nothing on a the jailbaiter that has one friend that makes her cry on a regular basis. I just feel so bad for her, y'know?

Above her head was.

 **Possibly Jailbait, And A Loner.**

 **LV 55 Yunyun**

Honestly, Yunyun showing up so early was worrying, I really did fuck up the timeline badly. If Darkness doesn't show up, we're kind of screwed, because the whole party dynamic I need will be all fucked up.

Aqua took a closer look at them. "Those red eyes… are you two of the Crimson Demon race?"

"Aqua!" I whispered-screamed. "You can't just _ask_ people if they're Crimson Demons!"

"But we are Crimson Demons…" Megumin said blandly. "Anyway! I am an elite mage from the Crimson Demon race, Megumin! My magic is powerful enough to split the mountains…! That's how it is, do you need an excellent mage?...by the way, I have a favor to ask. I haven't ate in three days, could you give me something to eat before the interview…"

"Megumin, you can't just ask people for food out the blue!" Yunyun yelled, her stomach growled. "...Even if we haven't eaten in days."

"Too late, I already asked." her stomach growled loudly.

I looked at her with a dead serious face.

"No. You must first wait hours for the party parrot to calm down, then the interview will be four more hours of questions that have absolutely _nothing_ to do with the actual job, after which you must tuck the party parrot into bed, kiss him goodnight, then I will _consider_ giving you the job."

"Wh-wh-wh-whaaaat!?" the two of them stuttered.

"And you'd better do it well because all of the other adventurers who applied through did it like he was their son."

Aqua looked horrified at me; she was speechless and knew how the job acquiring process went in the modern world.

Maintaining a straight face through that bit was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. The look on their faces was more than worth it.

I bust out laughing. "I'm just fucking with you!"

I tossed Megumin the menu for the Guild restaurant.

"What do two you want?"

 **One good brunch later.**

"Well," I began as I put my mug of orange juice down. "Now that we're all full, let's _properly_ introduce ourselves."

"I'll go first!" Yunyun yelled. "I am a level 50 Arch Wizard, and a master of advanced magic! She who will one day lead the Crimson Demons! And I can-"

"I, on the other hand, am an Arch-Wizard that can instantly kill a normal dragon with my supremely powerful explosion magic," Megumin interrupted, "I'm Megumin, by the way."

Yunyun let out a strangled sound as she looked at Megumin in shock.

"Don't interrupt me, that's really rude!"

I deadpanned looking at Megumin. "Really?"

"Can you one shot this one castle I know?"

"Of course!"

"In one day…"

"Yes…"

"With no repercussions?"

"Y-yes…"

"Good because it's run by an insanely powerful dullahan who is a leader in the Devil King's army."

"SHECAN'TUSEEXPLOSIONMAGICWITHOUTCOLLAPSING!" Yunyun shouted and then instantly gasped and covered her mouth.

Megumin nervously laughed as Aqua and I looked at Megumin with unimpressed expression.

 **Message from Nyarlathotep:** _Wow, talk about blowing your load prematurely._

"Alright, now that we've ripped off that bandaid," I said as I took a sip of my orange juice. " _Why_ should we consider you for our adventuring group?"

Instead of answering my question, Megumin gave Yunyun a scalding glare.

"You snitch!"

Yunyun crossed her arms and huffed, turning her head away from Megumin.

"That's what you get for interrupting me."

I coughed into my hand. "Back on topic girls."

The two quickly regained their composure.

Yunyun was the first to go. "I know many types of advanced magic and I'm proficient in all elements!"

Impressive, with how bullshit the Eldritch Gamer was, and my Adventure's Card, I could learn all of her magic. That and she would round out the party greatly. Seriously, if that massacre of frogs she did in season two was anything to go by, she OP as fuck at this point.

"Be blown away by the power of a _true_ Arch Wizard!" Megumin exclaimed dramatically while doing an equally dramatic pose. "My explosion magic is the strongest offensive magic there is!"

Megumin, while almost as useless as Aqua at times, was one _hell_ of a powerhouse all things considered. I could use her as our ace in the hole or last resort, though her explosion magic is very inconsistent, and sometimes really fucking ineffective. Seriously, she bombed the fuck out of that castle Beldia the Dullahan was staying at and it didn't even look like it did a damn thing!

Though since Yunyun basically already has the job, we can get ourselves some higher level quest and power level the fuck out of ourselves. Which means Megumin can get Quick Cast and power up her Explosion magic to the point where it's fully reliable.

"Alright, the two of you are in," I announced.

"Really!?" the two exclaimed with smiles on their faces.

"Yes," I nodded. "But we need one more member before we start. After that, we can try out a few low-level quest in order to see how we all work as a team and adjust any problems."

Megumin nodded. "That makes sense."

"Good, now, we'll all meet here at noon every day, if something comes up and can't make it, please tell everyone beforehand," I said.

Yunyun nodded. "Got it."

The brown haired girl leaned in and took a closer look at me.

"Hey, no offense, but would you also happen to be a Crimson Demon?"

I raised an eyebrow at that. Yeah, I guess I would fit that description. The red eyes, black hair, not to mention I wear some rather… odd outfits compared to other adventures or common townsfolk. Long story short, I looked like an edgelord.

Hell, I was still wearing my suit and fedora.

 **Message from Ragna:** _You look like an edgy version of Hazuma, that doesn't earn any points with me._

Megumin's head snapped to Yunyun.

"What do you _mean,_ no offense!?"

I rolled my eyes at Megumin's outburst and took another sip of my juice.

"I think I might be distantly related, but my parents named my Jack Gehrman. Don't think that's a Crimson Demon name." I said. "Well, anyway, we'll all go out on some quest when we have our last member. Until then, I'll see you guys later."

I got up and walked out of the guild, heading to the weapons shop, you know, the one owned by that odd loli. Yeah, that was the only weapons shop in town after the whole toad incident. I was heading there because I needed to get Darkness something that would benefit the party as a whole.

I hadn't taken a second step past the doormat when the loli, without looking, dropped a harsh reality on me.

"You're in debt."

I stopped.

"Say what?"

The loli sighed through her nose. "You're in debt. I can't use words smaller than one syllable to make it any simpler, unfortunately for you."

"...Okay… _why_ am I in debt?"

"You wrecked my fine establishment, and for that, you must pay."

"How much are we talking here?"

"Two weeks," the loli answered, casually looking at the back of her hand.

I didn't like that my debt was measured in units of time.

"I can't help but notice that my debt didn't have a dollar value in front of it."

"Whatever a 'dollar' is, that's because you owe me effort, not currency. I'll see you start work in the morning tomorrow."

"You know that I can just leave you the money and there's nothing you can do about it, right?"

"Gee, it would be a damn shame if you did that and _someone_ cute and powerful like me decided to tell the whole town that the Demon King they're all supposedly screwing was innocent this time, and they should be screwing _you._ "

My jaw dropped in shock. "I-you-that-I-I-I, ugh! You win!"

 _ **Ding!**_

 **New title gained.**

 **Eternal Bitch of The Loli**

 **Message from Dante:** _Whipped._

 _Shut the fuck up Devil Boy._

"Report here tomorrow. Now begone."

"Wait, do you have a shield with spikes on it?"

"Of course."

"How much?"

"How much do you have?"

"Couple hundred thousand."

"That will do."

 **Later that evening.**

I sat alone at the Adventurer's Guild waiting...while eating McDonald's fries. Well, not Mcdonald's, but they sure as fuck tasted like it. Hmm, not enough ketchup.

"I happened to see your recruitment poster."

A voice came from behind me.

I turned around and came face to face with the third most beautiful woman I've ever seen. Number one would be Nyaruko.

 **Message from Nyarlathotep:** _Damn straight. You know that flattery isn't going to help you walk again after I've had my way with you, right?_

 _Can't blame a man for trying._

Blond hair tied up in a ponytail, gorgeous blue eyes, she was about my height. She was wearing solid metal armor all over her body which mostly hid her figure.

Over her head was.

 **Masochistic Knight**

 **LV 53 Darkness**

"Are you still recruiting party members?" she asked.

I sighed. "Yeah."

"I see. Thank goodness." her gaze turned serious. "I have anxiously awaited the arrival of someone such as yourself."

I looked at her blankly. "What do you mean 'someone like me'?"

"You see, your reputation throughout Axel is kind of split," she began. "But once I heard that you willingly let your party member be eaten by toads hundreds of times in a singles day, I ran here as fast as I could!"

She started breathing heavily, the color red slightly dusting her cheeks.

"Please let me j-j-join your party!"

I took out the spiked shield that I bought from my **Inventory**. "Would you be willing to ditch the sword and just use this shield to throw yourself at whatever threat comes our way with almost suicidal determination?"

Her breathing got even heavier.

"It would be my _pleasure_ to do so."

"I'm sure it would."

And with that, I left the Adventurer's Guild. I now had a party that _might_ be able to take down the Devil King after a _lot_ of training.

...We're all going to die, aren't we?

 **Message from Cthulhu:** _I have no doubt._

 **Chapter End.**

 **Review Responses.**

 **Nick terakidan: Hey! Only I can make the Dad Jokes around here!**

 **Atticus Goodfellow: Thank you for your help.**

 **Blazing hear frigid soul: That ain't happening. I don't have enough drugs for that.**

 **all about party and crazy: who isn't?**

 **Moo: It's an Omake dude, it ain't canon.**

 **MysticSpider: Its NANOMACHINES, son!**

 **MysticSpider(Review2): I know, that stat is retarded unless it involves D &D and being a Bard.**

 **Scoolio: Yes, it works perfectly.**

 **Saberfang Orcalodon: Boi! What kind of hentai have you been watching!?**

 **Lazymanjones96: Hope I don't disappoint.**

 **DraxMercenary: Everything.**

 **scorpin17: Thanks!**

 **f1uffy5prinkles: I HAVE DAMMIT! Your welcome.**

 **: Damn right I did.**

 **PassiveNox(Review 1-9): Thanks.**

 **Amurlintz: It's alright, I understand since Eldritch Gamer is my second fic ever, I also cringe reading the first chapter. But I'm too lazy to rewrite this so I'm rolling with it.**

 **deadal: It's cool, I understand that Eldritch Gamer is really damn flawed.**

 **Nipplegunz(Review 1-2): Thanks!**


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